


lost (i'll forget you now)

by wiinterchild



Series: fate keep pulling [1]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Catra (She-Ra) Leaves the Horde, Catra (She-Ra) Needs a Hug, Catra (She-Ra) Redemption, Catra breaks down, F/F, Fate & Destiny, Flashbacks, Healing, Hurt Adora (She-Ra), Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internal Conflict, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Magicat Catra (She-Ra), Magicats (She-Ra), Mostly from her time with Adora, Nightmares, Not Canon Compliant, POV Adora (She-Ra), POV Catra (She-Ra), Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Princess Catra (She-Ra), Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Reflection, Set in season4, She finds her family, The heros don't always come out on top, Unreliable Narrator, Yearning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 30,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29698083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wiinterchild/pseuds/wiinterchild
Summary: "Are you threatening me?""Am I?" the other challenges. "As I said, we are on the same page.""Wrong, you are with the Rebellion. I," Catra points at herself. "have nothing to do with the princesses. I'm out of this.""You can't quit a way where you were the one calling the shots! You can't decide to just quit, life doesn't work like that! You owe the people who suffered because of you, because of your actions!"Catra left. It's very simple, or she wishes it was. No matter how far she goes from the Fright Zone, the ghosts of her past, the mistakes she made, and those consequences follow her around relentlessly, haunting her. As she roams around Etheria, trying to find her place and peace she learns about herself, faces with secrets she buried deep within hoping for them to never come to the surface.But no secret can hide forever, no matter how strong the magic is what buried it.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Series: fate keep pulling [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2182503
Comments: 19
Kudos: 122





	1. out of reach

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, thank you to my dear friend Tara for the support and help she has shown me while I was writing. You are a literal angel.
> 
> Second, everything is already written down until chapter 9, I will update every week on Mondays, it will be a long ride so buckle up folks! For the heads up, everyone is above 18 (except Frosta, sorry buddy), Catra is 20, and Adora 18. It doesn't follow canon storyline either. 
> 
> If you want, you can check me out on Twitter @wiinterchild where I cry over catradora and have a daily she-ra brain rot! Unless you are a minor, then please wait until you turn legal age!
> 
> I also made a [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1KUH3jAy4ARCH5hDz0sCY6)
> 
> I will also add a few visuals through hyperlinks!
> 
> Please enjoy, kudos and comments are appreciated!

_❝ I kneel into a dream where I am good & loved._

_I am good. I am loved._

_My hands have made some good mistakes. They can always make better ones. ❞_

\- Natalie Wee

* * *

* * *

"Hey, Scorpia. Where are you? It's not like you to be late." Catra complains sighing, then presses her badge.

She hears nothing but radio statics. Maybe Scorpia's badge isn't working well? She curls her tail around herself and hugs her knees to her chest. She sits at one of the broken statues of the Sea Gate looking over the endless sea, it still flips her stomach.

"Listen, I'll _kill_ you if you tell anyone this, but... I thought winning would be...different. Or at least, more...I don't know... Fun?" She says hesitantly, her voice barely above a whisper.

Is it how victory should feel like? Empty? Lonely? She is almost at the top of the world, but she never felt so alone in her life before. So wrong.

Eventually, Catra tries again, pressing her badge. "Come on. Don’t tell me you’re still mad at me about before, are you?" She rolls her eyes, then a frustrated scoff leaves her mouth. "Stop being so sensitive. Get over it and _talk_ to me, Scorpia!"

Yet again, only radio statistics.

"Scorpia? Scorpia?!"

She knew something wasn't right when she tried to contact Scorpia for the third time and she still didn't hear a single word from the scorpion princess. Now that she recalls it, she didn't see Scorpia among the soldiers this morning.

With a swift move, she jumps down the statue, landing on her feet with ease. She runs towards their set up camp.

"Octavia, did you see Scorpia?" She pants, her heart hammering wildly.

Did something happen to Scorpia?

The answer comes instantly. " _I didn't. She was supposed to lead the third and fourth squadron but didn't show up. Grizzlor took it from her._ "

"And you didn't think it was worth reporting?!" She shouts the need to scratch out Octavia's other eye too is rising strongly in her. "Bunch of idiots!" A growl leaves her mouth. "Prepare a boat for me, I'm going back to the Fright Zone." She tells a soldier who is fumbling with some paperwork.

"But-"

"I said to prepare a boat!" She slams her hand to the table, claws drawn out. " _Now._ "

The soldier hurries out, leaving Catra alone in the makeshift station building. She takes a deep breath and pushes her hair down. She presses her badge again, but no sign from Scorpia.

It took almost 3 hours from Salineas to the Fright Zone but as soon as Catra's feet touch the ground she bolts into the main building, to Scorpia's room.

She might have gotten sick? No. Knowing Scorpia, she would have barricaded her room and told Catra not to come even near her, because she doesn't want her to get sick too. But again, being sick is being weak in the Horde. Or did she do something stupid again and didn't want to come around? Although, it was Hordak's order to assist him and Scorpia would never disobey orders.

She stops at her door.

_You are a bad friend._

Or simply, Scorpia just didn't want to see her face anymore.

Catra hesitates to push the button, her hand lingering above it. She gulps dryly, pushing down her hesitation and the door opens. Revealing nothing but an empty room. A room that looks like it hasn't been used in days.

She steps into the room, noticing Scorpia’s badge on the bed, on top of the jacket from the Crimson Waste and a folded note. Catra stares at these three things like she expects Scorpia will magically appear by one of them, or she would jump out from somewhere. But deep down Catra knows it's not true.

Catra takes the note from the bed and reads it. Simple words, still, they push Catra down. Down to something deeper and nastier than where she has been hanging from all these years.

Turns out, no one has seen Scorpia in two days.

Since she gave Catra the broken recorder.

_The only thing you've ever done is get in my way! What did I expect, I mean, how could you possibly be this useless?!_

Catra crumbles to the floor.

_I'm sorry Wildcat._

_Scorpia_

* * *

Nightmares weren't uncommon for Catra.

They have been haunting her since she could remember. Every night another round of memory would come to the surface, grab her with sharp claws and never let go until she was screaming and crying. Sometimes it would be memories of Shadow Weaver and red electrical lights dancing around her violently, other times it would be Adora leaving her again and again while Catra was left behind in the dark. But nowadays, it would be about the portal. That damn portal.

It would appear in front of her, drawing her in and no matter how desperately she would try to crawl away, there's nothing she can cling onto, no one who would hold her hand. Although she wouldn't admit it even to herself, she screams for Adora, hoping that she would hear her and help Catra.

But she never comes and Catra is startled awake by her own dark memories alone in her room, with a wildly beating heart and cold sweat covering her body. Left alone to deal with her demons.

This night wasn't an exception either.

Catra woke up with a harsh scream stuck in her throat, her claws sharp against her skin, leaving ugly red lines as she clawed herself in her sleep. She sits up slowly, holding her head in her hands breathing harshly, her tail thrashing around anxiously. She takes a shaky deep breath, trying to calm herself down, she barely slept at all. The deep circles around her eyes are a harsh contrast with her tan complexion.

She eventually kicks the blanket away, freeing her lower body and coldness envelops her body, as strange as it is, the cold grounds her to this world, away from her dreams.

"This is ridiculous." She hisses, anger creeping into her heart.

Because being angry is better than being afraid.

Her way leads to the control room, steps are determined, powerful even, dark circles are prominent under her ice-cold eyes, she won't let anyone see her as weak. The moment she enters the control room, another Horde soldier comes after her, saluting rigidly.

"What?" Catra asks flatly while looking at him. "Do you have news about Force Captain Scorpia?" Her pupils narrow down into a slit, a hopeful sparkle lighting up in her heart.

"Uhm, no...no we have no news about where For-"

Catra growls at him out of a sudden. "Then why are you bothering me?!" She snaps at the soldier, her voice full of venom and anger.

"W-we got a report that the Rebellion is trying to take back Elberon." He squeaks, taking a few steps back when Catra fully turns towards him.

"Then send more troops there!"

"Our troops just got back from another mission, they are exhausted and our weapons..." He trails off, his back hitting the door, Catra tracks up to him, her face nonchalant no sign of the previous anger.

"Are they exhausted? Aww..." Catra tilts her head, voice sweet as honey her tail slowly lashes around. "Everyone is tired, we are in a _war_! I don't care if they will crawl their way into Elberon, I don't care if they will have to fight with teasers, they will march there and defeat the Rebellion, do you understand?" She hisses at him, the man nods rapidly. "Great. Now get out of my sight.”

The soldier hurries out of the room, the door closing after him automatically. Catra stands in her place for a few long seconds, her breathing becomes uneven, her claws bite into her palm.

A roar leaves her mouth followed by a dull thud on the metal wall where her fist landed.

"Where are you Scorpia?"

The question rings in the silence of the room. It's so overbearing. So alone. So pathetic. Catra takes a deep breath and pushes her hair down, she turns around and looks at the monitors, each of them showing a rebellion town that's under the Horde's control. Salineas, Dryl, Erelandia, Thaymor and many more. They are winning, the Horde is winning. They are pushing down the Rebellion each day, gaining more power.

That's what Catra wanted, that's what she has strived for, yet everything just feels empty.

 _She_ feels empty.

It takes a few hours to hear from Elberon, they have got the town back. Of course, they did, Catra smirks to herself. Her mind is working on yet another plan to take more and more, eventually, destroy Bright Moon and the Princess Alliance with it.

_Wildcat._

She whips around the chair almost tumbling down. Scorpia, she would call out the name but she sees yet again nothing. She closes her eyes, willing away any thought that can distract her again. Scorpia is not here, they are not here.

The door once again opens and Lonnie walks into the room, her armour has a few cuts here and there, a faint bruise slowly blooming on the side of her face. She stands there a little awkwardly, the other obviously not paying any mind to her. Lonnie coughs to have Catra’s attention on her.

Catra groans in response. “What is it, Lonnie?”

“We’ve got Elberon back, the Rebellion soldiers retreated.” She reports to Catra, the feline not even looking at her. A minute passes without Catra saying a thing. “Uhm... Is everything okay Catra?” She asks hesitantly.

Catra snaps her eyes open and looks at the soldier with narrowed eyes, her tail moving slowly. But says nothing. Does she look weak? Defeated? The thought makes her stomach flip, sickness creeping up on her slowly. She isn’t weak. She doesn’t need anyone’s pity. She is Hordak’s second in command, she basically _runs_ this fucking place. 

Catra is much stronger than them, then why is Lonnie looking at her like she is a little frightened kitten in a box.

A growl begins to form in the back of her throat just at the thought. “Get-”

“We have information about Force Captain Scorpia.” Lonnie rushes before Catra could yell at her. “We were able to capture a Rebellion soldier, he might be able to tell us something about her.”

Catra hesitates at first, throwing a sceptical look at Lonnie. “Why are you so sure about that?”

“He is close to one of the princesses, Mermista.”

Catra’s eyes widen for a second, then her initial shock forms into a cruel smile, her eyes lighten up with something unsettling. Her tail moves almost excitedly. The last time Loonie saw Catra like this was when she demolished a Rebellion town. 

This won’t have a nice ending.

“Take me to him.”

Lonnie brings Catra to where Sea Hawk is, he is bound to a metal column in one of the makeshift establishments. He looks war beaten, and tired. Catra doesn’t really care. Her mind is playing a cruel trick on her again. Why would a Rebellion soldier know anything about Scorpia? Especially someone so close with a princess.

Of course, the answer is almost evident, but Catra chooses to ignore it and banishes it to the deepest part of her mind.

Scorpia didn’t join the Rebellion.

They must have captured her. Yes, that’s what happened. 

“Oh.” Sea Hawk looks at his visitors, recognizing Catra instantly. 

“One of my Force Captains is missing. Does your pitiful Rebellion know anything about her?”

Sea Hawk hums, furrowing his brows. "You need to be a little more specific here I'm afraid."

Catra's eye visibly twitches. "And I'm afraid that if you don't get your brain working, you will be sent back to the princesses in pieces."

Sea Hawk glances at Lonnie for a second, the Horde soldier just nods. She isn't kidding.

"W-well, we don't have to be so threatening do we?" He chuckles nervously.

Catra grabs his jaw and locks eyes with him. “I will ask you again. Do you know anything about Scorpia?"

The question hangs in the air and for a moment Catra thinks that Lonnie was wrong. This dumbass knows nothing, and then...

“You mean that big half scorpion half-human lady with white hair?” Sea Hawk asks, deep in his thoughts. “Oh, she is in Bright Moon!" He announces and Catra lets her go.

"Lonnie, get a group. We are going to bring Scorpia back. I can't believe she let herself be captured by these idiots!" She pushes her hair back with an annoyed groan, walking away from Sea Hawk.

"She wasn't captured."

Those words are like lightning through her body, she stops dead in her tracks. "What?"

Sea Hawk either doesn't have any respect for his life or just a very brave idiot. “Well, my dearest Mermista said that she has joined the Alliance! Well, after all, she is a princess so it was kind of inevitable, right?” He chuckles to himself. “Must have been hard for her.”

“What did you just say?”

Sea Hawk looks up and sees Catra looking at him with a slit pupil, anger and betrayal written all over her face.

“What did you say?” She repeats herself, her voice dangerously low. “Scorpia… has joined the… Alliance?” she starts to laugh surprising everyone in the room.

Lonnie jumps in time, grabbing Catra by her waist before she could pounce on Sea Hawk with a violent growl and draw out sharp claws. She trashes in Lonnie’s hold, clawing at her armour violently.

“Catra-”

“Don’t _lie_ to me!” Catra screams at Sea Hawk seeing red, anger boils under her skin. “Scorpia would NEVER join the pathetic princesses! She wouldn’t! WHERE IS SHE?! Where’s Scorpia?!” Her voice booms around them, echoing back from the metal walls.

Lonnie manages to drag her out leaving Sea Hawk alone and shocked at Catra’s unexpected outburst. Catra’s whole body shakes as she tries to get rid of Lonnie’s arms and at least claw a souvenir to Sea Hawk’s face.

“Let go of me, Lonnie!” She breaks free from her hold, kicking the soldier in the stomach sending her to the ground. She heaves, claws once again digging into her palm. “How dare you-”

“Catra calm down!”

“Don’t tell me what to do!” She snaps at her, her voice almost hysteric. “Didn’t you hear him?! Scorpia is with the princesses! The _princesses_!” And suddenly Catra throws one of the cargo away that was next to her, almost hitting Lonnie. She pants heavily from her anger. “She… She left the Horde… She left… Left…” Her breathing slowly evens out, her claws retract back, she blankly looks at Lonnie. “Scorpia… Left…” She repeats it yet again.

And it’s all back again.

She's alone. All alone. Scorpia left her for the princesses, just like Adora. 

“Catra-”

Without paying attention to what Lonnie wants to say, Catra turns around and leaves. She walks away, eyes staying wide open, her heart beats so fast her breathing is picking up again. Her steps start picking up the pace, soon she is jogging and now she is sprinting through the corridors where the bedrooms are and eventually stops at Scorpia’s room. She pants harshly, tears blinding her vision.

She pushes the buttons and walks into the room, the door closing behind her. She takes the room in sight, the drawings and posters on the walls, about her, about them, about her stupid super pal trio. The picture of her family, a scorpio plushie. The jacket from the Crimson Waste.

With a frantic look she tears down the posters, they fall to the floor in front of Catra. 

Scorpia left. She left. This is all your fault. _You_ did this. _You_ pushed her away. Just like you pushed Adora away. Just like you pushed _everyone_ away.

The ugly side of her mind tells her and she finally blacks out, destroying everything in the room. Because that’s the only thing she is good at. Destroying things. Destroying everything around her, so why shouldn’t she just keep destroying?

Everything that makes her _weak._

When she is done with the room it looks as if a hurricane ran through it. The mattress is torn, thrown at the other end of the room, the family picture lays on the floor with broken glass. The posters and drawings are torn into pieces just like the plushie. Catra is heaving at this point. Mix of numbness and alertness keeps her heart beating fast, her body shaken. She pushes her hair down again, with a deep sigh.

Her body reacts to the raging emotions of betrayal and anger coursing through her veins, but her mind, it’s almost blank.

“You’ve made your choice Scorpia.” She whispers before leaving the room.

Catra has no idea what time it is, everything is calmer and quieter so it must be night time by now. The distant sound of the machinery gives her some kind of sick comfort. Makes her feel just a little bit at peace. Makes her feel like she is a machine as well. For everyone to use and throw away when they don’t need her anymore. She was one for Shadow Weaver, something to use and throw away, she is the same for Hordak even if she wants to believe otherwise. Adora left her so simply, Scorpia too. Entrapta…

She is all alone. 

Once she thought it was her on the top, but now, it simply feels like she is falling again into a pitless chasm while everyone around her disappears. Shadow Weaver, the one who made her life miserable, made _her_ miserable, is in Bright Moon, allied with the princesses. How fucking ridiculous. 

And Adora? Adora gets to live the life of the hero, everyone loves her, everyone wants to be around her. It was always like this, Adora the one who shone so brightly, the shadow she cast annexed Catra. Adora meant to be the good guy, Catra didn’t.

She stops abruptly in the middle of the corridor, looking out of the window. The Fright Zone buzzing busily, soldiers working through the night, war machines striding across the route, supplies thrown into vans. Her reflection looks back at her, tired, blank and numb. She reaches out, hands on the cold glass.

“How… Disappointing.” Her claws sink into the glass, scratching it with an empty star.

She walks through the hallways, the blankness on her face not giving away the storm in her soul. Her way leads back to the control room, the monitors flashing an unnatural blue light all over the room. Illuminating her tired, bloodshot eyes.

Destroy everything that makes you weak.

The first blow to the monitor sends burning satisfaction to her soul, she tears down the second one throwing it to the other side of the room. Catra doesn’t hesitate to take this whole room apart, yanking off the monitors and other electronics. She mashes the control panel with one of the smaller monitors. And then, she hears Hordak’s voice.

“Report Force Captain Catra. How is our operation working?”

Catra almost laughs at him.

 _Our_ ? He did nothing. He was hiding in his pity lab, playing with his little robots. It was all Catra. Every town, every city, every plan, every mission. It was all Catra. Not Hordak. Not Hordak _and_ Catra. Just Catra. Even if he finally dug himself out to the world, everything was laid out before him. Catra got him the weapons, the resources, _everything_.

“We did.” Catra answers, her voice almost way too calm to her usual temper. “Everything is under control.” A smile appears on her lips. 

“Come to my sanctum, we need to launch the next act of the Plan soon.”

“Of course.”

Hordak’s call ends here. Catra grabs the last monitor and tears it down from the display throwing it out of the window, it crashes loudly against the concrete. Broken glass scattered around her, one cuts her cheeks, one single drop of blood falling to the floor.

Catra takes a deep breath once again, but instead of pushing her hair down like usually, an act of control, she takes off her headpiece. She looks at it, swiping her finger over the piece before she snarls and throws it away, buckling down onto the floor letting out a loud sob, letting it rip out of her chest after she has surpassed it for so long. Her mismatched eyes are shining with tears, droplets falling against the ground as Catra leans forward, gripping her hair. She bites her lip to surpass her cry, fangs easily pierce into it, drawing blood, but Catra doesn't care.

Not right now.

Her chest tightens each time she lets out a sob, her head is pounding so heavily it makes her sick, tears running slowly. She shakes and shudders with each new wave of panic running through her body.

Emotions that she has buried deep down for years break to the surface, ripping her old wounds, leaving them to bleed with new ones. She wanted to be stronger and powerful, then why does she feel so weak and vulnerable? It shouldn't be like this; she shouldn't end up like this. She was supposed to be the victorious one.

But then why did she lose everything?

_Disappointment. Failure. Insolent child. Nuisance. Pet. Waste._

Shadow Weaver's voice rings in her head as if the sorcerer is right next to her. But no one is here. She is all alone.

Was Shadow Weaver right? Is she really so worthless?

"No..." She whispers weakly. "She wasn't right... I'm not... I'm not worthless." Catra shudders for one last time before she forces herself to stand up, looking at her shaking palms. "I'm not a failure," She tells herself, wiping away the remains of her tears.

Destroy everything that makes you weak.

Everything.

_Everything._

"I'm not weak."

Catra's body moves on its own, it's almost like she sees herself from the outside. She leaves the control room, coming down to one of the transporters where they store one specific weapon. Explosions.

She opens it easily, kicking down the lock, stepping inside. Catra takes three small ones with herself. The feline jumps out, depositing one right to the door of the control room, she times it to 20 minutes. It would be perfectly enough for everything.

Then her next target is the supply room, the last one is the hangar.

But she doesn't stop here, no.

She walks away, to the place that will either be her grave or the place she will spit at before leaving this miserable place.

Hordak's sanctum.

No one stops her, why would they? She is the second in command, she can freely go wherever she wishes. The door opens behind her, she steps into the lab and lets the door fall shut before she punches the controller so it can't be opened again. She turns around, seeing Hordak's back. She draws her claws out, her tail swishing around wildly. As if she is ready to hunt.

“Report on our troops in the Whispering Woods.” The order comes naturally to him, Catra’s ear twitches lightly.

No answer, she walks closer to him.

"Catra?"

Catra's laugh soon fills up the whole lab, it's not cheerful, more like a bitter, empty one. "You know... I always knew what the Horde was up to, I knew it since I was 8. I knew after Shadow Weaver first shocked me with her power. I knew it when I've seen the orphans just like me, brought here and raised as nothing but ruthless soldiers." She wanders around the lab, scraping her nails against one of the containers of Hordak's failed clone.

"And we were made to believe we are nothing, but weapons in your hand. We were taught to feel honoured that the Horde has _chosen_ us. What can I say, it looked appealing as a child." She looks at Hordak, her eyes reflecting nothing but emptiness. "I've had dreams, goals, ambitions. But they all crumbled to pieces, what a shame."

"What is this about, Force Captain?" Hordak narrows his eyes at Catra, he is clearly annoyed.

"You've made me this way. Shadow Weaver made me this way. The Horde made me this way. This... broken, miserable, pathetic someone who lost _everything_ ." She hisses aggressively. "But _you_...you have so much!” She slashes the air in front of her as she points around. “You have the Horde, the empire that you would offer to Big Bad Horde Prime." Catra smirks at him and her fist breaks the container suddenly. "I'm going to take that away from you."

Hordak fired his gun the moment Catra jumped toward him, the catgirl rolling away from the shot. The laser has destroyed half of the clones. Catra disappears from Hordak's sight, crouching on a pipe a few feet above him.

"Don't be ridiculous!" Hordak growls, looking around for the girl. "No one ever made you do whatever you’ve done. No one made you this way, you made yourself suffer! You would be _nothing_ without the Horde _._ ” He says mockingly. “I will throw you to the deepest dungeon and offer you to Horde Prime, a traitor, a defect-"

Catra jumps down to Hordak's back, sinking her claws to his face, slashing the flesh without mercy.

"Am I a defect?" She laughs, kicking the alien away. "Look at you, your armour holds you together, you were sent here to die because you are nothing but a failure! You can't even clone yourself!" She snarls at him, running away from yet another laser beam, behind her a tank has blown up, the wall melted away leading to the hallway. "Didn't you notice?! I run things here! Without me, you would be still licking your wounds, because of Entrapta's betrayal!"

Hordak attacks her again with a shout, Catra easily jumps out of each. She is about to jump up to another pipe when Hordak aims at the pipe and she falls to the floor with a pained moan, the parts of the destroyed pipe falling on her.

She rolls away, trying to stand up with a tumble, a sharp pain striking at her side and leg. Her tight is injured, her side bleeds a little. She sways around, finding support in the wall.

"Do not speak her name again!" Hordak attacks her again, more viciously, more wildly blowing up his lab and Catra jumps out to the hallways. Hordak follows her.

Catra lets out a laugh, jumping away from yet another attack, wincing at the sharp pain. "Entrapta didn't betray us, you know." Catra stops, facing Hordak. The wall behind her has a huge hole from Hordak's previous attack. At this point, every rational thought about survival left her brain. As if she is toying with death, would it catch her today? Or tomorrow? " _I_ sent her to Beast Island."

The laser beam came too fast and Catra wasn't quick enough, the blow getting her, and with a scream, she fell back. The familiar feeling of her heart stop beating for a second, then beat again with newfound life rushes over her.

She has lost a life.

She groans and catches herself quickly on a ledge, pulling herself up to it. She doesn't have enough time to recover. Another light beam is aimed at her, Catra jumps away, Hordak following her yet again.

Catra lands on a bridge connecting the two biggest buildings. She stumbles forward, falling to one knee panting heavily, her side covered in red.

Hordak appears on the other side, his face painted red with the ugly wound Catra has left on him. The fight taking a toll on Catra, her wound doesn’t help, the throbbing in her thigh subdued by the adrenaline coursing through her veins.

She glances up, she sees a bunch of cords hanging from a higher level, she readies herself.

“You are wrong… I didn’t need the Horde. I didn't need Entrapta. I didn't need Adora, or Scorpia...” The echo brings Catra’s voice far away, it’s trembling with power despite the pain throbbing in her body.

Before Hordak could get her again she jumped, grasping one of the cord. ”And I don’t need YOU!” Catra flings herself at Hordak, kicking him, the claws on her toes scratching his neck. Hordak stumbles back and Catra attacks again, punching him right in the face, then with a well-aimed kick she destroys the laser gun around his arm.

Hordak's other hand closes around Catra's neck, pinning her to the floor, his red eyes glowing violently. Catra chokes, the pressure becoming stronger. She claws at Hordak's hand, blood dripping down the floor and her, staining her hand, clothes and under claws. She kicks him in the neck again, the man stumbling back with a pained groan. Catra quickly leaps and tears out the First One tech chip from his armour, sending Hordak to the floor as electricity runs through his body.

Catra is panting above him, coughing for air. Her neck is red from the choking; her side is still bleeding. She stumbles to the side, unsure on her legs. She looks down at Hordak who is still twitching from the electricity of his malfunctioning armour.

An explosion shakes the whole ground coming from the control room. Catra looks back, seeing thick black smoke going up to the sky. She can't help but laugh, her giddiness takes over her body. She looks back at Hordak, and drops the chip down to the floor, stomping on it.

"It's over Hordak. Good luck impressing Big Bad Horde Prime." Catra flashes her a fanged smile, dripping from venom and hatred.

Another explosion. The supply room.

She takes a few steps back, then jumps off the bridge, catching herself yet again and climbing down until she lands on her feet. She winces at the sharp pain spreading in her leg. She takes a deep breath and runs away towards the hangar. If she calculated well, she still has 5 minutes until the hangar would be blown up too. Catra just needs a skiff and she would be free from this place.

The door of the hanger opens easily with a forceful kick, and she runs into the massive place. The ticking of the clock could be heard faintly from where she has placed it. Adrenaline rushes through her body as she jumps up to a skiff, turning it on and dashing out of the place she is halfway away from the place when it blows up.

Her ears flatten at the sound of the explosion. As she looks back all she can see is thick black fog and flames stretching up to the sky.

What she doesn't expect is Kyle.

She abruptly stops the skiff; they are at the border of the inner part of the Fright Zone. She narrows her eyes looking at Kyle and the boy looks even more scared than he usually is. Catra thinks she must look like a mess with bloody hands, unruly and dirty hair and some bruises and cut on her body.

"Get out of my way, Kyle." She hisses at him. "Or do you want me to run over you?"

Instead of saying a word, he throws something at Catra. She half expects it to be a grenade, a weapon or anything that could hurt her. But it's a bag instead. It lands in front of Catra.

"I... I've seen you place the explosions, I guessed you wouldn't...uhm, wouldn't come back." He explains nervously. "There's a few ration bars in there and... Water, also uhm, some gauze."

Catra blinks at Kyle, understandably confused over the situation. Suddenly, the alarms blare all over the Fright Zone. They will be coming for her.

"Shit" Catra hisses looking back, then to Kyle again. "Why?"

"You... uhm, you are m-mean Catra, but...we've grown up together, and...just take...take care?" Kyle tells her, looking worried at her as he anxiously fondles with his hand.

Catra stares at Kyle, then looks at the bag again, she nods. And then she sets off the skiff again, sailing through the Fright Zone with full speed.

She looks down at her chest, taking the badge from it. The badge stares back at her, then with a simple move, Catra crashes it in her hand, letting go of the pieces.

Destroy everything that makes you weak.

She is _not_ weak.

* * *

The skiff glides easily in the air, the scenery around Catra seems familiar, but her mind is too numb to fully understand where she is exactly. Her whole body hurts, she has hastily wrapped her side with the gauze, but it will need a decent cleaning and wrapping up at some point. 

It takes her a few minutes to recognize the trees stretching up to the sky with intricate fauna growing around them under the moonlights. She stops the skiff, her heart beating vehemently.

"The Whispering Woods." She speaks softly, barely even a whisper. 

The memory of Adora comes to her mind when they first came here, how quickly everything has changed after it. Part of her, probably that hopeful child that she was able to protect from the horrors of the war, tells her to go to Bright Moon. Go to Adora. Because Adora means safety. Adora would understand, she would hug Catra, telling her that everything would be okay. Like she used to.

_Nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other._

She slowly manoeuvres the skiff to the direction she knows where Bright Moon is, and for a second, she would have believed in that childish hope in her heart. But it disappears the moment she remembers Entrapta, the portal, how Adora had looked at her, the Queen. A strangled gasp leaves Catra's lips and she turns the skiff around hastily, racing through the woods, the wind catching in her hair, now that her headpiece is missing her hair dances around messily.

Adora doesn’t mean safety anymore, Adora wouldn’t understand anymore. Adora wouldn’t hug her anymore.

To be honest, even Catra doesn't know where she is going. She just knows one thing, away. Away from everything. Away from the Fright Zone, from the Horde, Hordak, Shadow Weaver, the war, her memories, the stupid princesses, Adora _, herself._

Just away from everything.

Shadow Weaver's voice in her head says that she doesn't deserve to run away, tells her she doesn't deserve peace. It would be hypocritical even from her wanting to get away from everything when she has hurt so many people. And for a moment Catra almost drives into a tree. Because Shadow Weaver is _right._ Like she was always through all these years. She is nothing but a failure, a disappointment, a nuisance. Someone who can be easily thrown away.

_CATRA._

Adora's voice rings in her ears as if she is screaming into her ears. She stops the skiff barely avoiding the crash with the tree. Catra's chest heaves, her head throbbing with a building headache, her tail moves around uncontrollably.

_Wildcat._

Catra turns around, scanning her surroundings with her mismatched sharp eyes. Scorpia is not here, of course, she is not. But a part of her hoped that the tall woman would suddenly appear out of nothing.

"This wood..." She whispers to herself. "It's just playing games with me." She tells herself, letting herself calm down, as best as she could but her mind is chaos, a whirlwind of memories, old and newer ones, haunting her. She eventually restarts the skiff and drives away.

The moment she leaves the woods it's like a weight has been lifted from her chest, she gasps for air, tears running down her cheeks. She finally breaks down, a loud and pathetic sob rips out of her chest. She surges forward, hugging herself, she wraps her tail around her waist a small act of comfort, her ears are flattened down. Her heart beats against her ribcage painfully, and for a moment Catra wouldn't mind if it would just stop beating at all, it would save her from all of these pain and memories that have been haunting her for years.

"I'm sorry....sorry, I'm so sorry–" She whimpers weakly, she doesn't know who is saying this.

To the people, she has hurt before? To Adora? To Scorpia? To herself? Or that little child who has always hoped when she grows up she will be strong and happy, and she will be a leader. But instead, Catra is here in the middle of nowhere, defected, broken and miserable. When she wrecked the control room and left stealing a skiff she didn't think through where she would go. The Horde is obviously going to hunt her, Hordak finding pleasure to finally kill her off. And the Princess Alliance? Catra is sure that they would happily skin her.

After a time, she has calmed down and now just sitting on the floor, back leaned against the bench. The skiff is still turned off. She looks at the bag, taking a ration bar from it. A scoff leaves her lips as she notices that all of them are grey ones.

"How many lives do I have still?" She furrows her brows, eyes tiredly looking up at the sky. The moons are shining brightly in the night sky. "I... have lost one at Princess Prom, another when that spider got me, Hordak suffocated me," she counts on her fingers as he tries to remember every time she has died but came back thanks to her nine lives. "I... I- I let myself go into the portal, then again. And Sparkles's magic did a number on me too. Hordak blasted me with his laser." She sighs to herself. "I still have two lives." She concludes to herself.

A scowl forms on her face, pushing her hair back with a deep sigh. She takes another bite of the bar. "I need to be careful...do I... need to be careful?" She questions herself with a furrowed brow, holding onto her ankles. "It's not like someone would miss me if I ran out of lives, right? I would even do a favour for everyone." Catra sits up, her voice nonchalant as if she is not talking about dying.

But if Catra thinks about it really, she has given up caring up about living for so long. Maybe in the Crimson Waste, she has said that she has nothing to lose, but she still desired Hordak's trust and acknowledgement. She had dreams, ambitions, goals. She _wanted_ something out of this life.

_Some people have a bad day. I've had a bad life. If I want something, it's taken from me. If I win a fight, I lose the war. Threats only work on someone who has something to lose. But me? I've already lost it all._

But now? She has _nothing._

With a heavy sigh Catra stands up, and turns the skiff on, driving away from the Whispering Woods.

* * *

Seeing Loonie, Kyle and Rogelio again on the other side of the war is always going to be strange. Adora can't deny that she is worried for them, she doesn't want to hurt them of course, but they are still with the Horde. The same Horde that is trying to conquer Etheria and kill all of them.

Adora knows how well Lonnie can fight, Rogelio too, Kyle was always a little clumsy and unlucky even when they were cadets. But now, all of them are captured, they were able to catch them as they tried to go through the Whispering Woods to transport some supplies to another Horde camp.

But the fact that they have been captured so easily and didn't put up any fight when they brought them to their camp makes this whole situation unsettling for Adora. Are they trying to use the three of them as bait? Well, it wouldn't be a surprise from Catra, she never really liked them, especially Lonnie. Adora goes into the tent where they are guarding the Horde soldiers, not truly knowing what to expect. Glimmer and Bow soon follow her too.

She sees Lonnie first, who is in a silent war with Kyle, looking at him angrily.

"Lonnie?"

The girl raises her head, her hands are restrained and she is sitting on the floor. On a few plush pillows. She looks tired, exhausted. There are a few fresh bruises on her body, a healing scar on her left cheek. Her armour is scratched and worn out, it's not only the Rebellion who are drained. Rogelio and Kyle in the same position, a bag thrown between Kyle and Lonnie.

"Adora." Loonie answers simply then she looks at the other two behind her.

"What are you all planning?" Glimmer cuts in whatever Adora planned to say. "You Horde scums don't get captured easily, but you didn't even put up any fight. _Why_?" Glimmer gives the girl a hard look, expecting some devious masterplan behind everything.

Rogelio lets out a few low growls, Lonnie snapping her angry eyes at him too. He silences himself.

"There…there's no plan behind this, I doubt Hordak would even notice that we are missing,” Kyle tells them, he nervously looks at Adora and her friends.

Lonnie scoffs mockingly. “Of course, he is _too_ busy hunting down Catra." She rolls her eyes. “We wouldn’t have been captured if it wasn’t because of her.”

“It’s not Catra’s fault though.” Kyle encounters, losing his confidence the moment Lonnie looks at him.

“Oh yeah? I don’t know who blew up our supplies Kyle, must have been a fairy!”

"Why would Hordak hunt Catra?"

Adora breaks their little bantering, visibly confused over everything she has heard now. Catra did what?

Lonnie scoffs at that. "Are you joking? Why would he hunt Catra?" She asks, almost laughing, but Adora and her friends give her an equally lost look. “She blew up half of the Fright Zone then mopped the floor with Hordak before she ran off." Lonnie deadpans.

“WHAT?!” Bow and Glimmer shout in union.

“Wait... You, you didn't know?" Loonie mirrors Adora’s look.

Adora slowly shakes her head."So Catra…”

"Catra has left the Horde. She defected... We... We thought she was here, in Bright Moon." Her eyes widened at the realization.

"She is not here? She didn't come here?" Kyle asks disappointment flashed through his eyes for a second.

Bow and Glimmer look at Adora before answering. "No... She, Catra wasn't here..." Bow answers instead of Adora, who seems to be still processing the information from Loonie and Kyle.

Adora's head is spiralling down with so much thought it dizzies her. She should have known, the recent attacks were all sloppy, weak and uncalculated with old and damaged weapons. Catra would never proceed with plans like this, she would rather bite her arm off.

She surges forward, grabbing the front of Lonnie's armour, she locks eyes with her childhood friend. Half-heartedly, she hopes Lonnie would say that it's a joke or a sudden attack would take off, but nothing is happening. Instead, she looks into Lonnie's eyes, but can't find any hint of a lie, which she searched desperately for.

"What... What do you mean that she defected? Catra would never-.. She would never defect, that's impossible." She shakes her head stubbornly, her voice quivering.

Lonnie scowls at her. "Well, she did. " Adora lets her go and the ex-Horde soldier slumps down to the ground.

“She obviously wasn’t in the right mind,” Kyle tells and a painful yelp leaves his mouth when Lonnie kicks him. “Well, that’s the truth!”

“How can you still defend her? We were nothing but expandables for her! She wouldn’t even care if we would have died!”

“Because we grew up together, we’ve known each other since… Since we were kids, we… You’ve… You’ve seen her Lonnie how she was before…Catra was always mean and angry at the world, but now... She wouldn't sleep, she was always up either searching for Scorpia or planning out something for Hordak.” He takes a deep breath, remembering the last time he has seen the commander. “She went mental. She wrecked the whole control room and blew up the supplies and the hangar, attacked Hordak then disappeared." Kyle tells them, rather not looking at Lonnie but Adora instead.

"She was searching for Scorpia?" Bow understandably sounds like he has a hard time believing it.

"Catra got angry at Scorpia, I don't know why and then Scorpia left… Serves her right.” She shrugs dismissively. “She always did this, pushing everyone away from her. She deserved it, Scorpia at least woke up from her pink induced Catra is a good person world.” She says mockingly, earning an angry look from Kyle.

"Where... Where is she?" Adora looks at the three Horde soldiers, her eyes are almost frantic. "You must know, you all have trackers especially the Force Captains if Hordak is hunting her… He-he must know where-“

"Adora, when I mean disappeared I mean we know _nothing_ about her. We don't know where she is, who she is with or even if she is alive." Lonnie cuts through her sentence. Seemingly not understanding her. “Why do you care… Catra leaving the Horde should be something good for you.” Then she glances at Bow and Glimmer. “You guys finally have a chance to win.”

Adora's brain stops for a second as she registers Lonnie's words. Catra could be dead. Her heart beats heavily at the thought, different images of Catra flashes before her eyes, alone in the cold, or against a tree with bleeding wounds, an explosion.

No, Catra can't be dead, right? She knows how to get around, she is smart and sly. She wouldn't die so easily. How many lives has she left anyways? Adora would swear it's around 7 or 6? How many times did Catra die and come back?

Bow steps closer and places a hand on Adora's shoulder. She looks up at her friend and sees him giving Adora a small smile, comfortingly squeezing her shoulders. Adora then looks back at Lonnie and looks down at the bag.

"It still doesn't explain why you let yourself basically get captured." Bow breaks the silence in the tent.

Rogelio and Lonnie look at Kyle, who squirms under their eyes. “Kyle here wanted to know if Catra is in Bright Moon or not.” She scoffs.

“Look, I’m... I’m not trying to justify Catra’s actions, they... They are horrible, she did horrible things, but… We never were good friends or anything like that, she was demanding and mean especially after she has technically taken over the Horde," at that Glimmer winces. "but we were all worried about her.” Kyle shoots a look at Loonie and Rogelio at that

Lonnie sighs, turning her head to Adora.“It was like witnessing how she has lost control over everything and finally broke. I couldn't help, not like she would have let me. Or any of us. We thought she had come to Bright Moon, that she came to Adora." Lonnie looks at Adora, who looks equally defeated.

“Catra wouldn’t come here Lonnie… She-she hates me.” Adora looks down at her hands in her lap. “It’s pretty clear, I mean she tried to kill me. Multiple times.” She sighs, shaking her head.

Lonnie stays silent for a few seconds. “I think she hates She-ra, not you. Catra hates princesses - no offence -” she looks at Glimmer. “I don’t think she could ever hate you.”

“Why are you so sure about that?” Adora asks, voice small, a little hopeful.

“Because then you would have been already dead. Catra knows how to get around, she knows you the best… If she wanted you dead, you know… You wouldn’t be here.” Lonnie shrugs, looking down at the ground.”Still, I hate her guts, and I’m damn happy that she left… She could have walked away without being so damn dramatic.”

Adora chuckles lightly. “That’s so Catra…” She hates how that stupid little hope is sparkling in her heart. She shouldn't. Catra hates her, and even if what Lonnie says would be true, Catra still didn’t come here. Didn’t come to Adora.

It would have been complicated, Catra did so many messed up things, hurt so many people. The Horde would have been hunting her, and even if she would come here, the Alliance would have thrown her into a prison - not a nice one - and have a trial. Adora isn’t sure if she could have helped, but damn she would have tried to save her.

Enemies or not, she wouldn't have let Catra die.

Kyle kicks the bag towards Adora, pulling her back from her thoughts."In the bag... There is her headpiece, she has left it behind. Rogelio found it, I uhm… I took it hoping that I could give it back to her. You can have it if you want, I think... It would mean much more to you than me or anyone in the team."

Adora reaches for the bag and opens it, taking out Catra's signature headpiece. She still remembers the day Catra has found it among the trash in the Fright Zone, she cleaned it up so diligently and with excitement in her eyes. It was always shiny and well taken care of, but now, it's scratched and a little bent like it was thrown away with a strong force and collided with the wall. She swipes her hand over it, her vision blurring in front of her. She takes a deep breath and looks back at the trio, clutching onto the headpiece.

Adora smiles a little at her old friends. "Thank you... For trying to look after her. Even if she is a difficult person."

The three of them leave the tent after that. Adora walks ahead of Glimmer and Bow, looking down at the headpiece still. 

It’s been almost 2 years since she has left the Horde. She never had anything from Catra, only her memories. Bad or good, but she cherished them all, trying to remember all, she was afraid that as time would pass she would gradually forget about Catra’s soft laugh or her warm smile that was only for Adora no one else, or the way she would nuzzle her in her sleep whenever Adora had a bad dream, purring lowly to calm her down. Her playful teasing, the secrets they have shared on their secret rooftop. The way Catra’s hand would feel against hers.

But now, she has her headpiece in her head. It feels wrong and right at the same time. It’s like a piece of Catra has come back to her, but it also means that Catra is far away from her, she can’t reach out for her, can’t take her hand or call her name again expecting a teasing smile.

She didn’t see Catra for months, and even then she remembers how strange Catra was. She seemed too rigid like an arrow pulled tautly. She can’t even imagine how she is now. What could send her down to the spiral so much that she basically set her life on fire?

“Adora…” Bow steps next to her and the three friends stop. “It’s okay... We will, we will find her.” He smiles at her, trying to cheer her up a little.

And Adora appreciates the effort, but it’s not just Catra who knows Adora so well. 

“That would be impossible Bow, Catra is way too good at hiding. If she doesn’t want us to find her, then… It’s not going to happen.” She shakes her head with a sad smile. “If she… Wanted to be here, she would have come here already, but it’s been days.”

“You don’t know Adora… Catra seems to do things no one thinks she would do.” Bow tilts his head a little. “I mean; she blew up the Fright Zone? Went against Hordak? Not a very Catra like thing to do.” He points out. 

Glimmer clears her throat, the two of them looking at her.

"I... You do know that Catra is a hunted defected soldier now and she is basically a war criminal." Glimmer points out slowly, Adora furrows her eyebrows. "I'm just saying that I get it, you want to save her, but she is still our enemy! _Your_ enemy. She attacked Bright Moon, Adora... She almost destroyed the world."

In the background, Bow is frantically trying to sign her to stop from behind Adora.

"Do you think I don't know that?" Adora furrows her brows. "I know Glimmer what Catra did, okay? You don't have to remind me constantly! But she is still my... she-... She wouldn't do something like this without a good reason." She looks down at her shoe. There must be a reason.

Glimmer scoffs at that, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, she finally went crazy."

Adora groans frustrated, turning towards Glimmer. “You would too if you stayed in the Horde!”

“No one told her to stay there! You asked here to come!”

“Would you have welcomed her with open arms if she comes here?! You would have thrown her into a cell, and you know it too!” Adora’s voice rises, and a few guards look at them both curiously and anxiously.

Glimmer doesn’t stay behind, her voice angry and loud.“She is a war criminal! Of course, I wouldn’t let her walk around freely! She needs to pay for what she has done, Adora!”

“You would have done the same with me too?!”

“You are She-ra! It’s different!”

"Glimmer! Adora!" Bow warns them before they would get into an uglier argument "I know that everyone is frustrated, but we can't afford to have a bridge between us." He looks at Glimmer then Adora. "Maybe we should tell the others and then see what we can do."

"What?! What do you mean _we_ can do?" Glimmer turns to him.”Are you siding with Adora?!”

"I’m not on anyone’s side!” He takes a deep breath. “While I agree that Catra is dangerous, I mean... She almost killed us a few times, but she also knows valuable information about the Horde and Hordak, their plan etc. If we could find her maybe she could help us? She is clearly not on the Horde's side anymore." Bow explains to them. "I'm not saying to actively search for her, because we don't have enough people for that, but if we find her accidentally or something about her that could be true, we should run with it."

Adora looks at Bow, considering what he is saying. Would Catra help them? Does she hate the Horde more than she hates princesses?

"We could try." She agrees, Glimmer says nothing. "I will tell the others” She turns around and walks away from her friends to the tent where the rest of the princesses are.

Looks like only Scorpia and Perfuma came back, Frosta sits at the other side of the tent looking at the two curiously. The others haven't come back yet probably.

"Adora!" Frosta jumps up, stretching her limbs up."Finally, I was..Oh... What happened? You don't look good."

The others look at her, Perfuma stands up and goes to her, putting a hand on her back, comforting her.

"Is everything okay, Adora? What did the Horde soldiers say?" She asks worriedly, fearing from dreading news.

"Catra... Catra has defected from the Horde."

The gasp that runs through the tent followed by a heavy silence. They all look shocked which is understandable, every one of them knows how many times Adora told and asked Catra to come with her. To join the Rebellion, the Horde isn't for her. It's not her home, not her destiny.

It's Scorpia who speaks first. "What do you mean... Catra has left the Horde...?"

Adora nods. "Lonnie and Kyle said that Catra blew up a few Horde buildings, and fought with Hordak then disappeared. Most of his troop is after Catra, that's why we win our fights so easily... He has no focus on us, but Catra."

"Oh, Catra..." Scorpia looks down.

"What we should do now?” Perfuma asks, looking at Adora. “If you say that the Horde isn’t interested in us now… Maybe we should take advantage of that?”

"I don't... I don't know..."

The others look at each other with a worried look, there's no answer to Perfuma's question.

“Did they say why Catra left?” Frosta blinks up at Adora.

She shakes her head. “Nothing specific, she just… Left.”

Nightfall comes sooner than before, Adora particularly disappears from the others. She doesn’t want to meet with any of them, especially Glimmer right now. To be honest, Adora has no idea what they should do, they must take advantage of Hordak's blind spot towards them, but her head is filled with Catra and thousands of questions. Even as enemies at least she knew Catra was alive, where she was. She knew that she was just a reach away, but now? 

Catra could be anywhere.

She is sitting up on a tree branch, looking at the moons. No matter how hard she tries she can't shake off how worried she is for Catra.

"The others are searching for you."

Adora glances down, seeing Scorpia standing at the foot of the tree. After Adora doesn't say a word, the scorpion settles down to the ground, silently sitting. Adora never hated Scorpia, she thought that the scorpion is very friendly and she did tell them about Entrapta too, and after all, it wasn't just the Horde that connected them, but Catra too.

"Catra was searching for you," Adora mentions, remembering what Kyle said.

"Oh... Oh, boy... I did not expect that." Scorpia chuckles nervously, looking down at her relaxed pincers. "I...We didn't part very prettily, I just left her, leaving a note..."

Adora looks down at her, still hugging her knees close to her chest. "Why... Why did you leave?"

It never really came up between them, of course, Scorpia said she wants to be a better friend, but something tells Adora that there is much more than what the scorpion princess shows. She sits in silence, waiting patiently.

"I guess, well..." Scorpia tries to find the words, collecting her thoughts. "I always tried to see the best in Catra, you know? Even when people said that she is a lost cause or evil, or any other mean thing, I've... I've tried to see her in a good light. Catra is... Hurt, she has been hurt a lot and... I'm not excusing her actions," She ads quickly. "No matter how hurt she was it doesn't excuse anything she has done, but... I thought that maybe I can help her, open up and heal, I guess."

"But it didn't happen." Adora finishes it for her.

"Yeah... It didn't." Scorpia agrees in a whisper, her eyes filled with sadness. "I think there's no going back for her, Adora. If she left the Horde... I think she has neared her end." She tells her, cutting the grass absentmindedly with her pincers.

Adora looks up at the moons, basking in their moonlight. She closes her eyes, in front of her she sees Catra.

Catra from their childhood the little girl bundled up in Adora's blanket crying. Catra from their cadet years with an unruly mane and teasing smile, Catra from the day before she has found the sword. Catra after they have become enemies, standing at opposites sides of the battle. Catra in the Crystal Castle with her pained eyes that soon hold nothing but emptiness.

Catra from the Crimson Waste, how different she has seen from before as if she has finally tasted freedom.

And the portal. Catra when she has pulled the lever, activating the portal.

"I'm not giving up on her..." She breaks the silence, opening her eyes. "I... I promised her we would always look out for each other."

Scorpia looks up at the girl. "Adora..."

"I know what you think, what the others... think." Adora takes a deep breath. "I know how all of you feel about Catra, but... I know Catra differently than any of you, and I have to believe that Catra who I knew is _still_ in there."

"I don't understand..." Scorpia knits her brows together in confusion.

Adora smiles sadly. "If I don't believe in her, then who would?” She sighs, pulling on the end of her jacket. “She is so much of a brat to even come here and say Adora I fucked up, or Adora you idiot I blew up the Horde, your welcome. But she… She just left, she… She could be anywhere, she could be hurt or injured… Catra is smart of course, but… I still worry for her…”

Scorpia glances up at Adora, still a bit confused. “I always thought that you hated Catra.”

Adora shakes her head, even if Scorpia can’t see it.“No, I don’t think that there was a day where I hated her. I was angry, yes. Angry at her for what she has done, but never hate… I could _never_ hate her. Did Catra think I… hated her?” She asks hesitantly.

“I think she did…I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay..”

“Do you feel it’s okay?”

“Huh?” 

“Well… '' Scorpia starts a little absentmindedly. “Perfuma said, if things don't _feel_ okay, then they are _not_ really okay. So… Do you feel it’s okay that Catra thought you hated her?” She questions, looking up at Adora.

The blonde stays silent for a little, her heart churns at the thought of Catra thinking Adora hates her. How could she? Catra was her best friend, they were always together since they were kids, looking for each other, protecting the other. Catra, was oftentimes her anchor, the one who could nudge her to get up if she felt like giving up everything. She was so precious to Adora, important. How could she hate her?

The war morphed them into real soldiers, they didn’t fight against simulations of princesses, but each other. And no matter how many times Adora spent training, nothing could compare to the dread that struck into her whenever she had to face Catra.

The catgirl was her enemy now, not her friend. She always reminded herself. Yet, it was still hard to raise her sword against Catra. But she had and still has a duty as She-ra. And if Catra turns out to be their enemy in the future even after she has left the Horde, what could Adora do?

“No, it...It doesn’t feel right…”

Later she walks back to the camp. She doesn’t pay attention to the others, even if she feels their pining eyes on her back, her strong demeanour disappearing the moment she steps into her tent. There she sees Catra's headpiece sitting on the bed.

She remembers how they used to share a bed, Catra usually slept at her feet, but at nights when life was particularly cruel to one of them, or both, they have cuddled close together, trying to will away the other's demons. Even if it meant that their own would eventually annex them. Catra always looked the stronger one, no matter how many times Shadow Weaver tried to break her, she just became tougher.

Maybe Adora should have paid more attention, she should have brought Catra with herself. She shouldn't have let her go so easily, not at Thaymor, not anywhere. She should have held onto her strongly.

Adora didn't notice that Catra was hanging by a thread and below her, there was a gaping abyss ready to swallow her.

That night, Adora sleeps with the headpiece hugged close to her chest. Hoping that Catra is okay, that she is alive. Before she falls asleep, she remembers their promise to each other. A tear escapes her closed eyes at the thought.

_Nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other._


	2. the star and the moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m afraid that someday I will lose you Catra.” Adora stumbles over the words. “The Fright Zone is not a kind place, I’m afraid that if I’m not doing well enough they will… They will take you away, and I-“
> 
> Catra huffs lightly. “Pft, don’t be stupid. You would never be able to get rid of me. We will always be together, as we promised."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy! At the end notes there will be a question for further questions, please leave your suggestions!
> 
> Note: trigger warning for implied abuse, panic attack and talks about dissecting body parts.

Catra had to face the rude awakening that travelling isn't easy with an open wound on her side, a throbbing leg and she also may have eaten all of the ration bars already. The exhaustion seeping into her bones doesn't help either. No matter how we look at it, Catra has been running on the adrenaline rush of the previous night, and it finally starts to leave her body with each passing hour, leading her into complete exhaustion.

"Great." She grimaces shaking the bag hoping that there would be another one hidden somewhere, but nothing, she throws it at the back. "It wouldn't be smart going to a town. Okay Catra, think. What to do."

She looks around her surroundings; she is at the edge of another little forest. She knows from memory that Thaymor is close, but judging that it hasn't been even 24 hours since she left everything must be swarmed with Horde soldiers. Her eyes catch onto something in the distance, a _river._

"Oh." Her ears peak up. "A river, I know how to hunt for a fish." She falls into deep thinking, her hands on her hips. "Right? Of course, I know" She scoffs cockily, then drives the skiff towards the river, slowly climbing off after she turned it off, bringing the gauze with herself.

Catra scans the field with her sharp mismatched eyes and listens carefully if she would hear any noise from the forest. Everything is calm. Such a strange concept for her.

So she sits down close to the river. Before she would do any hunting, she takes off her garment that covers her collar and right arm, she drops it to the grass the other glove follows suit. From her right wrist up to her arm, and across her collarbone, a little bit of her neck is completely covered in another set of gauze. Around her nape, side of her neck, palm tendrils of burn scars stretch along her skin.

A relict left by the portal.

Catra prefers them hidden. An ugly reminder.

She struggles with the leotard, her side aching, eventually, it falls to the ground too, leaving her in her sports bra and her leggings. Her hands are still coloured red from the dried blood. For the first thing, she washes it off, almost scraping, her hand, especially around her nails. Next, she washes off the blood from her gloves.

The leotard has a horde symbol at the middle of it where her shoulder blades would meet. She stares at it, then with a slash of her claws, the Horde symbol falls to the ground and Catra drops her top to the grass.

It’s useless to wear that symbol anymore.

"Okay... Now the wound." She takes a deep breath as she unwraps the gauze slowly, the blood dried around the wound sticking to the gauze and her skin. She inspects it carefully, it's not deep, still ugly with all the blood around it. Although it will leave a scar, Catra doesn't mind, just another one. She has a bunch.

"Mmmhm, maybe I should go into the water?" She mumbles to herself trying to clear off the wound with some difficulty. "No, I'm okay." The conclusion comes quickly.

Stubbornly Catra struggles more, but eventually, the wound is cleaned up from the dried blood. It doesn't look infected; it would be better if she would have some ointment or something that could disinfect the wound. Rather than dwelling into it, she takes a new roll of gauze, wrapping herself up again carefully.

Next, she inspects her right thigh by rolling down the waistband of her leggings. She is welcomed by swollen reddish angry skin, with dark purple spots, it's about the size of her palm if not a bit larger. She pokes it gently, letting out a hiss.

"That's okay, I thought it was worse." She nods to herself.

Now, Catra is more set on hunting a few fish for herself. She remembers how to do it, it's like etched into her mind, although it was years ago since she last tried it. She needed a few failed attempts to get a hang of it, and a wet face, because who would have thought that her palm could just slide away and her face would end up in the river. She hisses angrily, she knows how to disable a weapon at the first try, and doesn't know how to catch a fish?

Ridiculous.

She ended her hunt with two not very big fish, it's better than nothing. She fills up the flask too with water, throwing the two very dead fish into the bag for later. She will have to figure out how to eat it.

Catra is about to get her top when she hears a distant noise. Her ears peak up again, her eyes narrow staring at the distance to see if she can point out anything. Mechanics. _Robots_.

She gasps, understanding washing over her. Horde robots. She takes her clothes, grabbing the bag and runs to the skiff. With a swift move, she jumps in landing on her uninjured leg and drives away as silently as she could. The forest is a great hiding place in case there would be more robots or Horde soldiers around the area.

That's when she sees one of the robots from a distance getting closer. Not particularly to her, but the spot she was in a few minutes ago. She stops the skiff and follows the robot's movement with her eyes.

"No, there's nothing here."

She spots a soldier, probably reporting to someone. Catra isn't sure if they are looking for her or it's just a routine patrol searching for Rebellion soldiers. They wouldn't know where she headed, she made sure to destroy the tracking of the skiff the moment she left the Fright Zone’s border. Still, she can't be cautious enough, her tail wraps around her waist, gently laying around her wounded side.

She needs to go.

Whether it's a search party for her or a patrol, she can't stay for long.

So Catra drives off the skiff, navigating around the trees carefully not to damage it.

"Wait." Her ears come forward, twitching a little, her eyes sparkle with an idea. "There's a Horde camp. I could steal some supply." She scratches her chin, thinking deeply about it. " I need first-aid for my wound anyways and fuel to the skiff…Yes, I will steal it." She turns her skiff off, climbing out of it.

A sigh leaves her mouth, pushing her hair down. "I need to be quick, I doubt that I can fight with my side like this." A grimace appears on her face.

Then, Catra disappears into the shadows of the wood. Being stealthy is one of her specialities, she knows how to move in the darkness, be absolutely invisible until she needs to strike. And even after that, how to blend back to the shadows.

She finds the camp easily; it's heavily guarded just as she thought. "Hordak must have sent more soldiers here." She whispers, her tail lashing lazily behind herself as she is looking out of the unruly shrouds.

The camp is located in the forest, conveniently. Catra chuckles, jumping up to a branch near her, she looks down at the camp from the high. She counts 15 soldiers and 5 robots in total but doesn't know how many of them could be in the buildings or patrolling nearby. She pursues her lips, dwelling into her thoughts. It's risky, but she needs the supplies or else her wound will eventually be infected, and fuel to get around if she doesn’t want to be stranded somewhere.

"Oh." She notices a soldier moving away from their spot and an idea struck into her. "Oh." Catra smiles smugly, moving on the branches following the soldier.

He is well hidden by thick trees and the wall that hides the camp. She waits until the perfect opportunity, and when it comes, Catra jumps off landing on the back of the soldier - which maybe wasn't the wisest idea, her thigh throbbing with sharp pain - hitting his head against the ground. She stays still for a few seconds, waiting to see if he is out of the blue or someone has heard her. But nothing.

She huffs amused, quickly she sheds the soldier's clothes and puts them on, hiding the soldier away in a bush.

With a sigh, she rolls her shoulders and walks to the wall. With ease she climbs it, jumping over it, making sure to land on her uninjured leg. Cautiously she looks around, no one has seen her. Perfect.

"Now, where is the hangar." She mumbles to herself, walking away trying not to limp and wince each time she puts a little more pressure on her injured leg or takes a sudden breath and her side throbs with pain.

No one is paying too much attention to her, which is excellent. Maybe fortune does smile on her once in a while. She looks into every building, finding one, with bunk beds and two soldiers sleeping. She stalks away quickly. The weaponry, the command room. Then, when her already low patience is about to run lower, she finds it.

"Perfect."

She hurries in, closing the door of the hangar behind herself. She doesn't take off the helmet, in case someone would come in suddenly.

There are only two skiffs in which Catra isn't interested at all, she rather goes around the small makeshift hangar, searching for the container they store the fuels. After a few minutes of searching, she finds them, medium-sized containers, she grabs one turning around, then the door opens.

She hisses in surprise, about to hideaway-

"You. What are you doing here?" The other Horde soldiers ask, voice a little muffled with the helmet. "

Catra straightens her posture, about to lash out at the woman for how she is speaking. Then she remembers, she is not Catra right now, just an ordinary soldier.

She coughs, deepening her voice. "I came to check on the skiffs." The answer comes in a croaky voice.

"By whose order?"

Catra is just a little away from hitting this idiot and running away with the fuel. Thankfully, to her luck, another soldier comes running into the tent.

"Rebellion soldiers in Thaymor!"

He announces then runs off, Catra steps one back when the woman who just questioned her goes out of the room too, hurrying away to go to the town. She lets out a relieved sigh, reaching for the container-

"What are you doing?! Hurry up!"

Catra growls, closing her eyes to calm herself down. Can't lash out she tells herself over and over again, but someone grabs her elbow. "Hey!" She struggles, without much success she is being dragged out of the hangar far away from her actual goal. And thrown into a line of soldiers.

"It was reported that the Queen of Bright Moon is in Thaymor, destroying our troops controlling the town. We've already asked for back up, they will be here shortly. Everyone knows their duty, go!"

"Of course it's Sparkles." Catra groans to herself, her luck is stupid. Her luck is basically non-existent.

She can't go through this, it would risk her being revealed and that's something she can't afford. So she stalks away, behind a building out of the main sight, waiting for everyone to be out of the camp. It takes time, but eventually, everything goes silent. Catra stays still a little bit, just to make sure, then she takes off her helmet finally breathing fresh air.

"Ah, it's suffocating."

The helmet drops to the ground and she is off to the hangar again, grabbing the container, but stops at the weaponry.

"Do I... no, I have my claws. But I need first aid." as a reminder the stabbing pain is back at her side, making Catra tumble, taking a sharp breath. With a groan she pushes herself father, she needs to be quick.

The infirmary is small but well equipped. At least for what Catra needs. She grabs a box, opening it hastily, she checks everything in it. Gauze, bandage, plasters, scissors and disinfectant plus a few swabs and linen pieces. She closes it again taking it with herself. Catra carefully points her head out of the tent looking around, then runs out of the camp as fast as she can, until she sees her skiff.

A relieved sigh leaves her mouth, she stops, panting, her leg spasming with pain but she can't stop now. She will worry about the pain later. She takes the container and places it into the storage the skiff has, the first aid next to it. She takes off the Horde armour throwing it to the ground then climbs into the skiff, setting it off.

She has food for tonight and water, for now, it's enough, the rest is future Catra's problem. As soon as she has left the forest, she increases the speed easily gliding on the open field. She is still cautious of course, Horde soldiers could be near her still. She sees Thaymor from the distance, the wall around it and the enormous Horde flag.

She could hear the faint sound of a fight.

She focuses her attention in front of herself instead. 

It’s _not_ her problem.

A memory she has tried to bury deep down flashes before her eyes, cruelly reminding her last time she has come to Thaymor. Where she has lost Adora.

She remembers how angry she was, Adora just… left. Without looking back, without thinking twice about it. She transformed into She-ra and destroyed everything.

_I'm not going home. Not after everything I've seen. Come with me. You don't have to go back there. We can fix this._

Adora sounded so hopeful as if she had full faith in Catra that she would go with her, and would join the Rebellion with her.

At that time Catra thought it was ridiculous, what could Adora do? Against the Horde? And Catra could go with her? No. No, at that time it was nothing but childish wish in Catra's eyes. She was a Horde soldier, someone who just overrun Thaymor with a tank and a troop in her toe. Secretly she hoped Adora would come back, realizing that the Rebellion wasn't what she wanted. But Adora never came.

And Catra never went to her. Although, maybe, it would have been better.

Leaving the Horde shouldn't have sounded so bad, because they never cared about her.

Shadow Weaver hated her, betrayed her, despised her. No matter how many times Catra tried to be in her favour, Shadow Weaver just punished her harder. And Hordak? He wasn't better. At least he didn't hurt Catra. Well... Except when he suffocated her and shot her with a laser beam. Still better than Shadow Weaver.

"I'm sorry Adora..." She whispers, increasing the speed again.

The words die down in her throat, what could she do? Be happy? Get over Shadow Weaver's manipulation? Make peace with the past? Heal?

No, Catra is too bitter for that, she is broken, beyond repair. At least she thinks she is.

This will be better. Her being out of everyone's sight, this way she can't hurt anyone else again.

Eventually, Catra decides to stop after a full day of driving on the skiff, trying to find a place where she can at least hide for the night. Without luck, she decides to stop and do a makeshift camp here. She takes out the bag, treating her wound first. She once again sheds her top to get access to the wound. The gauze is bloody again, but she washes it off, leaving enough water for herself for later. She disinfects it with hisses and growls, her tail lashing against the floor of the skiff with dull thuds. Then, she wraps herself up again.

Catra has no idea when was the last time she felt this tired, maybe after her first day of being a cadet? The training was pretty intense; she can still remember the soreness of her muscles, even moving her ears was painful. The next day she could barely move.

This is a different kind of exhaustion, Catra knows she could go, her body didn’t reach her limits, she knows she could go further, she pushed her boundaries enough times to know that. This is nestled deep in her soul. All these years washing over her, as if her body and mind are finally letting go as she gets farther and farther from the Fright Zone.

"Okay... How am I supposed to eat these?" She looks at the fishes, then pokes one with her claw. "Do I just bite it? Or cut it?" Her eyebrow gradually goes higher and higher as she sits on the floor trying to figure out how to have her dinner.

Her nose crinkles at the smell. "It stinks... Am I supposed to eat that at all?" The question of course stays unanswered. "Ahhh! That's ridiculous! How do I not know how to eat a fucking fish?!" she growls, her fur standing up in annoyance. "This wasn't taught in basic survival." She deadpans, sadly taking one of the fish and just straight up going for it, she bites into it.

It doesn't take a minute even until Catra is coughing, throwing away the fish, hitting her chest and drinking her water gullibly, it drips around her mouth. Once she doesn't feel like choking anymore, she takes a few deep breaths. Her eyes snap at the fish, throwing it off her skiff.

"No more fish." She hisses, with a groan she lays down looking up at the sky and the moons.

They are beautiful, as simple as that. She oddly finds peace in them. Sometimes when she would be so lonely, she would whisper to the moons, about everything and nothing. Would tell them about her wishes, how she would have changed certain things if she would have the power. But ultimately, her ramblings always end up at one thing: portal.

The portal.

The guilt has been gripping her neck for months. It’s back, tightening its long fingers. Part of Catra never knew how she survived, she wouldn't mind not coming back. She wouldn't mind dying, as horrible as it sounds. At some point, she stopped caring about whether she would wake up in the morning or would come back from a battle. She could have accepted the fact if the universe decides to not let her back.

Maybe it would have been for the better.

She sighs, closing her eyes instead, trying to discipline herself into sleeping. It takes a few errors and trials, tossing around on the hard floor, but eventually she curls around herself, her tail wrapped around her side.

Catra never was and probably never will be someone who can sleep so tightly that not even an explosion would wake her up. Catra's eyes snap even at the slightest chance of the sounds surrounding her. She lifts her head with furrowed brows, footsteps. She hears footsteps. She turns around, only to be welcomed with a fist and Catra stumbles, body dropping.

Before she would fully lose the world she hears "-the skiff, we are getting this cat with ourselves. They would give a fortune for the tail and ears!"

Then, everything goes black as she lets out a pained groan.

* * *

_“Hey, Adora.” Catra jumps on Adora the moment she sees the blonde, Adora’s body falls back and Catra is on top of her, purring lightly and her tail moves excitedly. “What’s up? What did Grizzlor say?”_

_They are in their teenage years, Catra’s mane is still wildly going in different directions, and Adora is still holding onto that ponytail except she now has a hair poof too. What Catra occasionally likes to poke fun of. They are in their cadet uniform, waiting for their annual tests to be done. Adora was the last one to do it._

_Adora doesn’t even flinch when Catra jumps on her, she got used to it years before. “Uhm… He said I was okay.” She simply says, looking away from Catra’s curious mismatched eyes._

_“You don’t sound like he said you were okay.” Catra furrows her brows, climbing off Adora and pulling her up too. “Do you want me to scratch him on the eyeball too?”_

_“Catra!”_

_“I was just asking! Although seriously if you want, I could totally put an eyepatch on him.” Catra chuckles, Adora just looks down at the floor. “Hey, what happened?” She reaches for Adora’s hand, an instinct by now, for both of them. Adora holds onto her._

_“He said that I still need to work on my speed and strength and he will report it to Shadow Weaver,” Adora whispers, her eyes shining with worry. Catra understands. Of course, she does._

_They stand silently in the middle of the empty hallway, holding hands._

_“Come, I know how to get your mood up,” Catra says, pulling Adora with herself, her tail reassuringly wrapping around Adora’s hand._

_“Catra-“_

_“Just don’t worry okay? Everything will be okay.” She flashes Adora a reassuring fanged smile letting her hand go. “Now come, the last one will give the other their ration bars!” Catra runs away with a loud laugh, Adora in her toe._

_“That’s not fair, you cheated!”_

_“All I can hear is a sore loser!”_

_“Catra!”_

_The two girls sprint up to their spot, a well-known route for them to hide from everyone, to hide from the world and the looming darkness above their head. Catra sits on the railing, giggling victoriously her tail lashing around, Adora is next to her looking at the Fright Zone below them._

_“Do you remember our promise?” Adora asks out of nowhere, startling Catra with it._

_Catra doesn’t really have to think about it, it’s carved into her mind deeper than anything she has ever known and probably ever will. The promise of two broken girls on a stormy night with bruises and tears. Catra doesn’t know if it’s their shared pain that linked their life together or the universe has planned it out perfectly, but she knows that Adora is someone constant in her life. Someone, she can lean-to in this damned place if she seeks warm, kindness or love._

_Sometimes she still thinks that Adora is too good for this place, and fears that it will eventually break her._

_“Of course. Why?”_

_But there’s no answer, just Adora’s eyes shining with tears again._

_“Adora-“_

_“I’m afraid that someday I will lose you Catra.” Adora stumbles over the words. “The Fright Zone is not a kind place, I’m afraid that if I’m not doing well enough they will… They will take you away, and I-“_

_Catra moves closer and pulls Adora, so she is standing between her legs, then envelops her friend into a hug. It’s not something she initiates a lot, but in moments like this where it’s the two of them and it’s Adora who needs love and care, she will give her everything. Adora clings to Catra like she is her lifeline when in all honesty it’s the other way around._

_Catra huffs lightly. “Pft, don’t be stupid. You would never be able to get rid of me. We will always be together, as we promised. We will conquer Etheria and rule together! If we ever see active duty of course.” She grumbles trying to lighten up the mood. “Maybe I really should give Grizzlor an eyepatch.”_

_Even if she tries, she knows damn well that Adora isn’t worried about Grizzlor or the Fright Zone itself, but Shadow Weaver. She could easily get rid of Catra and they both know it. That’s why they cling so tightly together, holding hands. So maybe, if they hold onto each other strong enough, they can’t be separated._

_“I will always be by your side, Adora. I promise.”_

_That night, when Adora and the rest of the cadets sleep soundly, Catra is the only one who is up, staring at the wall. She sleeps in Adora’s bed again, her own didn’t even see her for weeks by now. Adora crying is something that’s been haunting her since they have come down from the rooftop, a plan, a risky one has formed in her head. She won’t ever see Adora cry again, not like this._

_She slips away, stalking through the hallways carefully so no one would see her. They have a strict curfew, if anyone would catch her it would be disastrous. Especially that she is standing in front of Shadow Weaver’s sanctum. The door is wide open, which means Shadow Weaver is not near._

_Her heart hammers against her chest, and her hands are shaking lightly. “Come on Catra, for Adora.” She whispers to herself, taking the first step._

_She has been here countless times, alone or with Adora. Some memories are harsher than the others, Catra likes not to think about them even though there are constant reminders engraved into her skin._

_Seemingly, the room is empty except the Black Garnet what towers over Catra. But on the right side of the room, there are hidden shelves and drawers where Shadow Weaver collects their data, mainly Adora’s and Catra’s and other Horde matters in which Catra isn’t really interested. She hurries and pulls them out hastily, finding files about armoury and weapons first, then some research that she just puts back quickly. She finds her drawer, then Adora’s._

_Grizzlor likes to get over stuff quickly, so Catra is sure that the reports of their annual tests are already here. She finds the folder of it and brings it out pushing the drawer back. She flips it through, finding the final report and they have rated Adora’s performance as a 3/5 which is not bad, but for Shadow Weaver’s expectations of Adora, it’s horrible._

_Her sensitive ears pick up noise from the hallways, surging her into action, she sneaks out of the room, the folder clutched onto her chest. She hides quickly behind a metal column, Shadow Weaver stalking by her. The catgirl lets out a relieved sigh, about to turn around and hurry away when she feels the familiar tingle of magic sweeping into her skin. She throws the folder before her whole body would go rigid._

_She closes her eyes, trying to fight against the restraint, but she is still unable to move. Her body response to Shadow Weaver’s magic, levitating into the room she has just left. The sorcerer stands in front of her, her shadows towering over Catra._

_“Sh-“_

_“What are you doing outside of your dorm?” She narrows the white of her eyes at Catra, the girl unable to respond. “You really can’t go a day without causing any trouble, how shameful. You don’t just underperform, but can’t even follow simple instructions.”_

_And the Black Garnet lights up behind Shadow Weaver, the sorcerer striking down on Catra with red lightning. Catra bites her lips hard, until it bleeds and feels numb, refusing to give in to the pain and scream, fuelling Shadow Weaver’s anger._

_“But what am I even expecting from a_ filthy pet _.”_

_Another strike, this one is followed by Catra’s scream._

* * *

Catra wakes up to a pounding headache and dull pain in her left cheeks. She grunts, opening her eyes blinking a few times, expecting to see the night sky instead, she is looking up at a… a rock? She gasps, memories flashing behind her eyes, she sits up quickly, looking around.

She tries to stand up, then realizes she is bound. She can barely move. A rope sits tightly around her from her chest down to her waist and even her ankles are bound together.

She almost lets out a desperate shrill trying to get free, her heart hammering against her chest, pure terror clouds her mind. She heaves, closing her eyes tightly, biting onto her lip to surface the building sob in her chest, she surges forward, her bangs covering her eyes completely. Catra's whole body is shaking violently. Memories of electrical red lightning flashes behind her eyes. They almost feel real again, the pain in her body, the way they struck down.

She yelps when a strong hand grabs her hair and tilts her head back, her eyes frantically moving around until she finally sees the person in front of her. A lizard woman, looking down at her cruelly.

"Easy kitty. You don't want to hurt yourself."

Catra is unable to say a word.

She turns around still holding Catra by her hair. "Tan, send a message to the others, tell them we are going back to the Pit." She turns to the other who is a half human-half man, he simply nods, leaving the cave.

Catra's mind barely registers the words, the woman lets her go and her head lulls forward. She is still panting, confused and shaking.

What's happening?

The bull-man is back, Catra has no idea how long he was away if it was a minute or an hour. Everything seems to just blur together. She lets herself be hauled up, her legs shaking with each step. Every ounce of power has left her body, she doesn't just feel weak, she is exhausted, tired.

A few minutes pass until she realizes that she is on her skiff, the lizard woman driving it and the bull-man is guarding her. The fog around her brain starts to clear up slowly, the wind against her face helps.

She doesn't dare to move against the ropes, every little friction from the rope against her skin makes her shake with absolute dread.

Her eyes move up to the lizard woman, seeing a familiar tattoo on her neck. A swirl ending up in a whip. Strange.

What did they say? Where are they taking her? Oh, the Pit.

The Pit.

"The black market." She whispers to herself, her brain starting to catch up. "You want to bring me to the black market." it's not a question, she looks up at the lizard woman with a disoriented look.

"Ah, she speaks at last." She chuckles mockingly, it's a weird mix between a squeak and a cough. "We would get great money for your tail and ears."

Catra doesn't react to that, just furrows her brows.

"Aren't you a little worried?"

Catra blinks a little, worried. Yeah, she should be. "Give me 10 minutes and I will probably kick your ass down from my skiff."

"Big words from someone who can't even move." The lizard chuckles. "But don't worry you will be soon free," that Catra's ears move a little. "Of course without your adorable tail and ears, they worth a lot you know." The woman's eyes sparkle with something that makes Catra quiver.

This is not good, she concludes.

But again, Catra says nothing. She tries to push away the thick fog covering her brain, it's just as stubborn as Catra at the end, she sags against the side of the skiff. She has no idea what happened, she has never freaked out like this, not even when Shadow Weaver bounded her with magic.

That's why she hates magic, it's really after her just so it can make her life harder.

Maybe there is a curse on her. At this point, she really thinks that the universe is after her.

She tips her head back, leaning against the cold metal too. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, then lets it out. She repeats it a few times until she feels in control again until the restrain of the rope doesn't feel like snakes ready to bite into her neck.

The rope must be enchanted, Catra concludes, as much as she tries to squirm around it, it gets tighter. Or simply she is finally going crazy, it was time, really.

Who would know?

She opens her eyes again, seeing the empty dark sky with the moons. 

The Pit wasn't a myth, in particular, no one really knew where to find it. It is a secret place for everyone who wishes to meddle with business, not even the Horde would have anything to do. Talk about dark magic, demons, trafficking, selling Catra's ear and tail in this case. She sighs, of course, that's her luck. 

Yeah, let's be captured by some idiot who wants to dissect her or whatever.

She decides to stay put for a while, at least until she will find a way to get out of this mess.

They eventually arrive at a chasm, Catra blinks slowly.

"I think you've turned left at the wrong time. You've brought us to-"

Catra's shriek echoes through the whole field as they ascend to the chasm, she closes her eyes tightly, because if she does at least she doesn't want to see that rock what will be her grave. However, instead of a crash, they are gliding in the air again, Catra opens her eyes with a frantic look, her tail and fur spiked up.

They are at the bottom of the chasm.

"What the..."

The lizard woman just scoffs. "Welcome to the Pit, kitty."

And in front of them, there is nothing but a huge stone, that's suddenly breaking down in the middle, each side moving away from the other like some sort of gate. Catra's eyes open in surprise and a little bit of awe too, as they go through the gate she can see a whole city laid out in front of her. There is a stone path that leads down to the deeper part of the city.

Everything is made out of stone mostly, the streets are crowded, she can clearly hear chatter even from that high from actual people. She doesn't see the end of it, so she concludes it must be huge. No wonder no one has found it yet, it's completely hidden.

When she looks up she sees the sky and the spikes of the chasm stretching up to the moons.

"We are here." announces the lizard, jumping off the skiff bringing her bag with herself.

"Hey-" Catra struggles when the bull-man lifts her up and throws her lithe body over his shoulder. She growls at him, but he doesn't flinch.

"Don't try kitty, you won't get out of here."

She huffs at the nickname this stupid lizard gave her. "I will wrap your tongue around your neck."

"Again, big words from someone who can't even move." She laughs and Catra's patience runs out incredibly fast again.

They go into a shop, or Catra assumes because as soon as they are in the only thing she can see is a giant eye in a glass looking back at her. She takes a deep breath, okay, don't freak out. Rather, she trains her eyes onto the floor.

"Ah, Ira! Tan! You are back, what did you bring me this time?"

A mix of a croaky and nasal voice hits Catra's ears, she flattens them instantly. She is being deposited onto the floor, hitting her tail bone, a growl rumbles in her chest.

"Oh... Oh! How interesting! Hihi." Catra looks where the voice comes from, she squeaks silently.

The one who is looking back at her is a human or some sort of human. He has three eyes and a forked tongue as he licks his lips. Gross. Part of his arm is mechanical, the other looks like a lizard's arm. Some kind of strange hybrid Catra concludes.

"Get out of my face." She hisses at him suddenly, showing off her fangs.

"She has fangs even!" but the hybrid just seems to be more excited than afraid. "Oh don't worry we've seen a lot of things here, I dissected a lot of things, I'm not afraid of you." He giggles, the implication behind his words makes Catra sick. He reaches out to her ears and roughly pulls on them, Catra winces in pain. "Oh, how very interesting. Yes, it would worth at least 5000 gold coins, creatures like her are rare. And her tail, hm, maybe more. They are very useful for dark magic." he nods to himself while the other two idiots look at each other excitedly.

"You really don't think that I will let you cut my ear and tail off right? You can't be that big of an idiot." She scoffs, rolling her eyes.

"Of course not, I will shock you. Until you are unconscious"

Catra's eyes widen, looking back at the hybrid again. Something in her shifts. Her ear flattens down and the eyes of her pupils narrow down.

"Hm, okay. I think this little game was enough." She sighs, closing her eyes. Her nails retract and soon the ropes are falling to the ground and Catra stands up stretching her sore joints, her tail lashing lazily. Her side is sore and she welcomes the pleasant dull pain in her thigh.

"W-what?!" Ira screams almost, seeing how easily Catra got out of the ropes.

"I appreciate the effort though." She stands before them, hand on her hips. "But it got kinda boring at the end, I just wanted to see the Pit." She shrugs simply, dusting off her clothes. "Oh, I'm sorry. Did you really think that you had the upper hand?" Catra looks at Ira with a cruel smile on her lips. "You had no idea who did you mess with, right? Shame."

The human hybrid steps back slowly. "W-wait, we can...we can talk this out surely, right?" He chuckles nervously.

"I'm sure we can work something out." She glances at him, and in a matter of seconds, she grabs him by the neck, throwing him out of the shop breaking the window.

The bull-man charges towards her, with his horn, she simply jumps up, landing on his back skipping away with a kick driving him into the wall. She chuckles seeing the man stuck into the wall, the lizard woman comes next, her whip in her hand. Catra looks at her, bored.

"Nice... I had a whip too, but I lost it. I want yours." She says, jumping towards Ira, the woman trying to lash her with the whip but Catra is faster ducking down. Instead, the bookshelves got damaged.

Catra draws out her claws again, slashing forward with them, wounding Ira from her stomach to the chest, then Catra kicks her in the face, the lizard colliding with the wall hitting her head.

"Well, that was boring." She concludes, picking up dust from under her claw.

She goes to the lizard, taking away her whip, fastening it to her belt. "Let's see. Surely there is something interesting here." And with that Catra starts exploring the shop, mainly searching for money what she finds, not even a little. With a mischievous giggle, she takes it along with a cloak that reaches around her midthigh. It would be useful if she goes to town, or hide her face from someone who could recognize her.

"It was a _pleasure_ doing business with you!"

She skips into her skiff, she puts away the sack into her bag, the cloak is already on her, drawn to her face hiding away her ears – what are flattened against her skull -, and her tail is wrapped around her thigh.

"Why are you so obsessed with my tail and ear." She shakes her head, navigating through the city.

Many interesting shops catch Catra's eyes, one sells charms for curses, others offer summoning spells and talismans. She spots a mercenary guild too, contemplating to join for a second then throwing the idea away. Now that she has a whip again, there's no need for another weapon so she skips the shop that offers intricate weapons. 

She goes around the city, looking around. Stopping at a few displays, eyeing what she could buy or even if they are worthy to spend her _hard-earned_ money. Along the way she has scoped up a pear, munching on it. Eventually, she stops at a store that offers maps.

"Hm, if I go around Etheria it would be smart to have a map." She tells herself with a few nods, biting into the fruit again. Catra jumps off the skiff, going into the store with a curious look.

Her knowledge of cities goes as far as what's close to the Fright Zone. Other than that they have always used technology to navigate them, so Catra never really bothered to really learn what is where. But now she is alone, without tech to navigate her around, it's not just about travelling but also surviving. She needs to be smart where she goes.

The inside of the store looks quite cosy and even inviting compared to what kind of place they are really. Catra looks at the two displays on either side of the shop, they have strange tools that probably would be perfect to hurt someone. There are also maps hung up, rolls of papers stacked up and a big table at the other end of the shop. The light is coming from two big lamps on the ceiling.

"Welcome, what do you need?"

Catra looks at her right, spotting a young man bringing out some more paper, although they are much bigger than the ones on the display.

"A map of Etheria." She answers shortly, walking into the shop a little.

"Treasure, general, topographic, province or ones that can show you where your target moves?" The man turns towards Catra, dumping the rolls on the table.

It's a rare occasion where Catra feels absolutely clueless, but this moment is one. She blinks, scowling.

"What did you just say to me?"

The man burst into a quiet laugh. "Treasure maps speak for themselves, general maps are the ones who show you roads, cities and rivers. Topographic ones usually only contain the outline of that specific land, it is great for beginners. Province ones show the borders of the kingdoms and the main roads, the last one is a magic map that's great for mercenaries." He explains it simply, Catra just nods a bit.

"Oh. I want the general one then."

"I will bring it out in a second."

The man disappears again, leaving Catra alone in the silent space. So she decides to entertain herself, she goes to the displays taking a look at the fastened maps. They look somehow fascinating and interesting, how a piece of paper can show so much and contain important information. On the other side of the shop, it's all tools being displayed, Catra never saw something like this before. Their maps were mostly digital thanks to their robots.

"Are you perhaps interested in the art of map-making?"

He appears again, map in his hand, it falls into the medium-sized ones.

"So that's what these are for." Catra mumbles to herself, taking the map away from the man. "Is it hard to learn?" The question surprises even Catra.

"Well," He thinks about it a little. "If you have the proper tools it can be quite easy, and of course with a lot of practice. But thankfully now we have tools that are more advanced and could scan the territory without spending hours on calculating different matters." 

Catra hums, looking back at the tools. It's not like she has much to do anyways or is hurrying to anywhere.

"How much are these?"

"Oh, depends. If you want the tech ones-"

"I want those." She cuts him mid-sentence.

"Then with the maps too, it would be 100 gold coins." 

Catra lifts an eyebrow, of course, the man can't see. That's a lot.

"Fine."

"Do you know how to use these?"

"No, but I will figure it out. Pack them up, so I can leave."

Catra pays and then leaves with her new things. Part of her is a little excited to figure out how to use them and perhaps draw maps. She also bought a bunch of paper for them. The storage space of the skiff is considerably big, so everything fits easily without trouble. She climbs back into it, feels as if someone's eyes are drilling a hole into her skull. 

The possibility to ignore it hangs before Catra, instead, she turns around locking eyes with a woman and a man. Her fur rises, she can recognize a vicious look anywhere, and these two look at Catra as if she has killed their little pet in front of them. 

Something crackles in Catra, maybe the need to beat them up for looking at her like this, like a piece of new meat, or she is thriving for another dance with the thought of death. Her side still hurts, although Catra promptly ignores it.

"What are you looking at?" She snaps, turning fully around.

"You don't find a skiff like this anywhere in Etheria." The woman says, stepping next to the vehicle looking up at Catra.

Both of them are humans, they sport the same tattoos as the lizard woman and the bull-man. She scoffs, did those two snitch up on her? Although they can't really know if she was with the Horde. Catra still has her hood up, it grants her some anonymity at least.

She pats the side of the skiff. "Must have been hard to get it." 

The catgirl simply narrows her eyes on the human, without saying a word. Until the cloak, her hand slowly reaches for her whip.

"Funny, because two of our friends just arrived with a skiff like this. Allegedly bringing a catgirl with it, but we only found the messed up shop and them unconscious." The human tells her, nonchalantly.

"And it should care me, because?" Catra mirrors the woman's voice.

The human chuckles humorlessly. "Those three always try to play the bad guy, they are quite ineffective I have to tell you. I, however, play a different game. I will rip off your pretty little tail and ears." She grins up at Catra with a sickening smile.

Silence passes between them. Catra has two options, jumps down and fights, probably getting more of these people onto her neck, but her wound would probably slow her down. Or, try and throw them off with the skiff.

Suddenly, Catra moves kicking the woman in the face with every power she had in her legs,

"Oh, try it, sweetheart." Catra smiles down at her mockingly. "Only if you can catch me though."

Then, the catgirl turns driving away from the two, the wind against her pulls her hood revealing her wild mane and ears. People either jump away from her way or get hit, she doesn't really care about them at all. Her ears pick up a sound behind her, the two following her with some type of motor.

So Catra does what she is the best at.

Ensuing chaos.

She takes a sudden harsh turn to the right, driving to another street, promptly destroying two or three displays by how wildly she drives the skiff. Catra knows how to manoeuvre without hurting herself and she does enjoy the chase. What she doesn't expect is another one from their gang showing up on the opposite side driving in Catra's direction.

"Fuck." She groans, pulling the lever to leave the skiff turning, barely missing the wall.

Her heart beats so wildly against her rib it borderline hurts but also refreshing in a morbid way. She doesn't even know when was the last time she had this much fun. This is nothing but a chase to her, Catra knows she will win it at the end, but toying with these idiots are small revenge on what their idiot friends did to Catra. 

"Oops!" She giggles when she hears the crash behind her. 

They play this mouse and cat game between them when Catra decides it's time to stop it.

She turns the skiff again, but this time it faces the woman who threatened her. A wicked smile stretches over her lips, as she pulls down the lever. The skiff start-up at a high speed, driving directly towards the human and her vehicle. Catra has no intention to drive away, and it shows from the way she stands there so confidently.

It's the woman who turns away her own vehicle, driving into the rock wall with a loud crash.

"Boo, boring!" Catra laughs, stopping the skiff. She looks behind, the dust slowly settling down revealing the woman trying to stand up.

Catra jumps off from the skiff, getting her whip and with a strong lash, it curls around the woman's ankle, Catra yanks on it sending the body down to the ground with a dull thud.

She ignores her own pain, walking towards the human who struggles to get up. Catra stops in front of her, the human looks up at her but sees nothing just mismatched eyes filled with cruel satisfaction.

"What did you say? You would rip my ear and tail off?" Catra lifts an eyebrow with a mocking smile. "Aren't you a little full of yourself?" She tilts her head.

"L-look-"

"I don't care," She interrupts the woman. "Where did you get those vehicles?"

"Huh?"

Catra sighs, exasperated. "Are you that much of an idiot? Where did you get those? They are old Horde tech." She narrows her eyes on the woman, paranoia creeping up on her spine.

Did the Horde somehow track her and got a gang to kidnap her? Wouldn't be surprising.

"They are from the Horde?!"

"Yes, now where did you get those?" She nudges the woman's chin with her feet. "I don't have all day."

"We... We've found them not so far from here... It's... It's an abandoned village..." She stutters through her sentence.

The catgirl narrows her eyes at her. "Hm, interesting." Catra then turns around and walks away. "Oh." She stops for the last time, looking back at the woman over her shoulder. "If your lame gang tries something like this again, I will make sure you all end up 6 feet under."

Catra hops back to her skiff, landing on her right leg and drives away.

The village isn't just abandoned but particularly robbed of anything that could be useful. Metals, fuel, supplies, even weapons and they took some of the techs too.

The houses are nothing but ruins, most of them demolished to the ground others have their walls up, but the roofs have been busted. Windows broken, doors have been torn out. Even the plants have died out, a wasted place.

A Horde troop must have taken over the village, and drove off the villagers - or killed them - then the soldiers have vanished too.

Actually, they weren't far away from the Pit, but Catra truly doubts that any of them actually realized it. It looks like they have been attacked, which probably happened recently judging from the still fresh smell of burned metal. She recognizes most of the remaining parts of the tech, it's old, used way before Catra even got her position as a Force Captain.

"Did I wreck the Horde that much?" She lifts an eyebrow, throwing away a piece of scrap. "Well, good job Catra." She smiles smugly, her tail lashing around.

Catra goes around, just to see if there is anything she can bring with herself. Mostly first aid.

No one is around anymore, her nerves a little less tensed up. She rummages through the ruins of the houses, finding burnt memories of the people who lived here. A torn doll, broken frames of pictures, abandoned dinner table. Her ears flatten and tail wrapped around herself.

“It’s not your problem Catra.” she reminds herself, leaving the destroyed room, only to step onto something.

She looks down, finding an old, frayed book. Catra tilts her head, a vague memory comes to her mind The cover looks familiar. She crouches down, taking it into her hand and dusting it off a little.

“Oh.”

Honestly Catra never really liked reading, it wasn't even that available in the Horde. They had no opportunity to read fairy tales and such stories. But she remembers one very clearly, Adora sneaked it around when she had found her headpiece. It was an old, a little torn children book that they liked to read when they were kids. It got lost during the years, Catra half sure that Shadow Weaver took it.

This is the same book.

Well, probably not the same that they had, but another copy of that.

A small chuckle leaves her lips. “Well... That’s a surprise…” She flips it open, finding little children doodles around the edges.

The small happiness from her eyes disappears in a second. Catra sighs and stands up, walking away, but taking the book with herself. 

She looks around the Horde machines. What she finds it's a hundred per cent better. She gets her claw on a tablet, a little old and dusty, but working still perfectly. She leaps up to a busted robot, crossing her legs, looking through the tablet.

She mostly searched for information about stationing camps near her, so she could avoid them. She memorizes the names without a problem, swiping away then looking through them.

"Oh."

Catra stops at an order that probably every troop got the moment Hordak recovered from her attack.

_Liquidate Order: Force Captain Catra_

A picture of Catra flashes up, it's a recent one where she has her badge still and her headpiece. She looks miserable, there's no need to sugar coat it. She wonders if that's how she has always looked in the past years? Miserable and lost, trying to look strong and mighty. Part of her pity that Catra, but the truth is, she is still that person.

With a sigh she runs through the text attached to the order, it mostly tells that they either bring Catra in alive or dead. Hordak even had the audacity to offer the second in command position to whoever completes the job. She scoffs.

"Like anyone could do my job that effectively." She rolls her eyes with a grimace.

Honestly, she expected this, the order on her head. It's just pure luck that she didn't run into any Horde soldier. She is sure most of them would gladly try to take her down and bring her to Hordak. The keyword is: _try._

She scrolls down, seeing the button at the bottom.

_Order executed successfully._

Catra has tapped those buttons a few times in the past few years, knowing the satisfaction that runs through her body after a successful mission. When it was always about her seeking validation so desperately it blinded her, destroying and burning up everything for a few words that could satisfy the hole in her chest.

They never did. And the hole just grew bigger.

She stares at those words with empty eyes.

She taps on the button, for the last time in her life. The message goes through immediately, signalling everyone that the liquidation order has been carried out. The corner of her mouth tugs up to a small smile before she breaks the table dropping the two parts down to the ground. She leans back on her hands.

Catra looks at the distance, she is once again, alone.

Her day went a little crazy, but at least it was enough for her mind to be occupied. No memory, no guilt would have choked and haunted her. But now, alone in the silence of the world Catra feels agitated and frightened.

It's just her and the ghost of her past now.

"It will be better for everyone..." She tells herself again as if she tries to convince herself. "I particularly did them a favour."

Catra skips down to the ground, walking away from the camp leaving it behind herself. The last fragment of her old life was crushed to dust.

Force Captan Catra is dead.

* * *

_"Catra, look!" Adora runs to Catra, her ponytail swaying wildly behind her. Catra however, doesn't look at her, she tries to clean off that smudge from the headpiece she has found. "Catra!" Adora nudges her, when Catra finally looks at her she flashes her a toothy grin, holding up the book in her hand._

_Catra furrows her eyebrows a little and sniffs at the book, Adora giggles at her. "What's that? It's not food..."_

_"Of course not! It's a book, well not like what they give us here... I don't know what book is this actually." Adora knits her brows together with a frown. "What book is that?" She looks back at Catra._

_The other just shrugs. "Not about fighting formation that's for sure."_

_"I can see that too!"_

_Catra chuckles at her, putting down the headpiece and turning fully to Adora. "Why don't we read into it?"_

_Adora nods at that, her face turning into a serious one like she is about to do a very important mission. She sits next to Catra, scooting closer. Adora turns around the book, squinting at the title._

_"The star and the moon.” She reads it with a little difficulty. "That's a weird name, there are no stars." She judges._

_"Read, Adora!"_

_"Okay-okay," The book opens revealing a drawing on one page and a written part on the other side, Adora starts reading it._

_"Once happened, that the stars from the sky disappeared. No one knew where they went or why they left. For a long time, it was only the moon’s spirit who lit up the sky, and the people slowly forgot about the stars. But the moon spirit felt lonely, her friends left her and they didn’t come back to play with her anymore. Her shine became duller each day; she wasn’t as bright as before. Until one day, she has fallen from the sky._

_Without the moon’s light, people got lost at night, no one knew how to help the little moon spirit. She was sick, the people tried to help her, bringing her nice warm blankets, or delicious food. But nothing helped her._

_It wasn’t until one night, when everything was so dark and cold, a little light lit up in the moon spirit’s room. The ill spirit woke up, to see a glowing girl there, with a tiara made out of stardust. The glowing girl had healed the moon spirit, giving her glow and light back and the night sky was lit up again._

_The moon spirit and the little star went back to the moon, playing around all day and at night, the star would join the moon in the night sky, quietly twinkling next to her friend.”_

_Adora finishes the story, there is another drawing at the end, with two stars and the moon spirit who looked like two little girls with glowing white hair hold hands as they walked through the woods with a huge smile on their face._

_"That's stupid." Catra breaks the silence, Adora shoves her away. "Hey!"_

_"It's not stupid, if it's stupid then our friendship is too." She pouts at Catra, the little cat girl looking up at her friend, her ears flatten down. She climbs back next to Adora._

_"I'm sorry." She mumbles. "Did you like it? That's why you got angry?" Adora simply nods still pouting, Catra notices how teary her eyes got. "Then let's read the next one!" She nudges her friend and Adora looks at her surprised. "There are more, you see?" Catra points it out to her, flipping the page where another short story starts about them._

_"But you said it's stupid..."_

_"I changed my mind! Now read it!" Catra leans her head to Adora's shoulder, purring lightly._

_Adora giggles, but starts reading the next one, and the next one, and the next one, until they have fallen asleep on top of each other, their pinkies linked together._

* * *

Catra smiles at herself at the fond memory, she sits by a clearing, her wound cleaned and treated. Her body has all kinds of scars, battle scars, from her own scratching as a little kid, from Shadow Weaver's punishments. She has started to not pay attention to them as the years has progressed, they were trophies to her. I survived, she would say, even if her soul would be broken into million pieces, she will still hold these proudly.

Such a strange concept.

She sighs munching on a few dried meats she has bought in the Pit. It's not bad, definitely better than the fish or the ration bars. The little book is in her bag. After a time, she climbs back to the skiff.

"I wonder if you still remember the book." She whispers looking up at the sky. She lays back on the floor. They used to talk about the stars, how it would be if their night sky had stars, but, just in the little story. They have disappeared a long-long time ago.

The night is soon over, and after this whole mess, Catra just wants to rest a little bit before she has to wake up in the morning. So she readies herself to sleep, curling into herself, drifting to sleep. 

That night, she dreams with the stars, a lullaby and warm golden eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are appreciated ♥
> 
> Question: Would you like to read part of Adora POV in future chapters or would you rather read a stand-alone fic with 2-3 chapters?


	3. like a ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In another world Adora and her would lay on a field, no Horde, no Rebellion, no war, no She-ra just the two of them looking up at the night sky, getting lost in the infinite light. She would hold Adora's hand close to her, afraid that she would leave, but Adora wouldn't go, not without Catra. She wouldn't be afraid to feel, to be happy, to trust, to have Adora. She would be brave.
> 
> Brave to love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter before the plot would really kick in! 
> 
> Please enjoy.

It’s been five days since Catra has left the Horde. And it all went by without action.

She has flown around, stopping only for the night or a small nap that mostly ended up with Catra waking up choking for air and terrified dreams of Shadow Weaver and the portal, poisoning her dreams. Other times she would be so exhausted that even nightmares left her alone, but waking up was just as hard and she felt just as tired. 

For a change, she stopped by a village that had some celebration. Catra left in 5 minutes, the crowd making her anxious, and the fear of getting discovered still loomed over her head.

She has taken out of her mapping trinkets and spent a good chunk of her night trying to make sense out of them, slowly figuring it out. Or reading the book, which somehow calms her mind even if it brings some bitter memories of the past.

They are a good distraction, nothing more.

Recently - yesterday night - she has decided to visit the Crimson Waste. It’s a good place to stay for a while, not a lot of people there, only outlaws and technically Catra is one.

The silence that surrounds her puts her on the edge, she got used to the constant sounds of metal hitting metal, the machineries running and people constantly shouting. She is not used to stillness, calmness. Before, if something was way too calm it meant that something would happen, usually, Shadow Weaver would call Catra for a “talk” or they would all get punished for their poor performance during training.

Relearning certain things is much harder than Catra thought.

Her wound started to heal, although she still had to change the gauze and clean it up occasionally. The bruise on her right leg shifted from red to purplish green, slowly healing too. It's easier to move and jump with it, but Catra is still cautious. To her pride, she got better at hunting, she also discovered that apples are not her thing, but pears are very delicious. 

With the map, it's much easier to know where she is going actually. Currently, she is one day travelling away from the Crimson Waste. Here and there she almost ran into Horde soldiers but before anything could happen she was able to manoeuvre herself out of their way and hide from them.

Right now she is napping under a lonely osier, her skiff hidden behind its long tendrils.

Her dreamless sleep is interrupted as she feels something is poking her nose, she scrunches it up hoping that whatever bug is bothering her will go away. Well, it doesn't. She snaps her eyes open, clearly annoyed as she is face to face with a human child. 

It's the little girl who screams at first, Catra following her, she is still dazed from sleep, barely grasping onto what's happening.

"Wait-" Reality catches onto her, it's just a _kid_. "What are you doing on my skiff?!" She jumps up, snarling at the kid, who suddenly starts to giggle and catches Catra's tail, accidentally pulling way too strongly. Catra hisses at the kid, pulling her tail back to her chest. "You can't just pull someone's tail!"

"Kitty!"

Catra backs away from the kid, and when the little girl runs towards her she lets out a shrill again. Drop her to an army of robots, she will know how to get out and what to do. But kids? No, thank you. She would rather face Hordak.

"Get away from me you demon!" She jumps up to the highest point of the skiff, crouching down her ears twitching a little and tail thrashing around. The kid just laughs, as if it's entertaining to her. Catra growls annoyedly. "Get out of my skiff, go-go. Go fetch your toy or something." She is shooing her away still at the top of the skiff.

Instead, the little girl plops down and giggles happily. 

Catra groans, sitting down instead, looking at the kid as if she is the deadliest weapon in Etheria. In all honesty, Catra has no idea how old this kid must be, she is small of course, but not all mini-humans are supposed to be small? That’s the point. Although Catra doesn’t even have any idea how old she herself is, Shadow Weaver never bothered to tell her when she was born or when she was found. Birthdays weren't a thing in the Horde either, and the years blur together way too much to calculate how long she was in the Horde. 

So, Catra is absolutely clueless.

She waits for a little, hoping that the kid would bore herself out, but it's Catra who gives up eventually.

"Why don't you go home?" She asks, tilting her head. "I have things to do, you know. "

Of course, the kid doesn't answer. Catra is no expert with children, doesn't know how to talk with them, the Horde isn't the best example of these kinds of behaviour either. The little girl continues to giggle as Catra moves her tail around now lazily instead of in distress.

"Grandpa' said no..uhh.. no talk with strangers."

The kid finally speaks, Catra snaps her head in the direction. "You get into _my_ skiff!" She groans, pushing her bangs up.

They continue to sit in silence, the kid giggling each time Catra's tail moves around, finding it fascinating probably.

"Ugh, you won't go home on your own, right? Do you... Even have a home?" She wonders out loud. "You wouldn't answer, why am I trying." She sighs and jumps down to the floor of the skiff, stepping to the little kid. She giggles once again in amusement. "I will bring you home, but!" she holds up one of her fingers. "You don't get to pull my tail, it hurts." Once again she doubts that the kid even cares. So Catra just wraps her tail around her own waist, she takes her hood, flattening her ears against her skull, hiding them away.

She walks to the side of the skiff ready to jump out, expecting the little girl to come too when she doesn't hear footsteps she looks back seeing the kid in the same spot.

"Are you kidding with me?" She huffs, going back to the kid. "How do... How do I get you up? Do I just hold you or..." They look at each other, the kid's eyes sparkle with glee while Catra is lost more than ever. She crouches down. "So... Help me here a little you little rascal."

The little girl giggles one again reaching out for Catra's ear, the older woman leaning away in an instant with a hiss stuck in her throat. "Ears are off the table too."

Catra walks around the little girl trying to figure out how to hold her while her tail is still tightly secured around her waist. She tries a few times, but each time panic awakens in her. What if she drops the kid? What if she starts crying? Catra doesn't know how to stop a kid from crying, they don't have a button or a switch.

Eventually, she takes another deep sigh pushing her hair again. "Come." She kneels and hoists up the child standing up cautiously. She checks on the kid she is still smiling, that's good, right? "Okay, hold tightly, got it?" And with that Catra jumps off the skiff, landing easily on the ground the little girl giggling once again.

Catra scoffs at that, how easy it is to impress a little human. She puts her down letting out a relieved sigh, she is not crying."Okay, so where? I think I saw a village as I passed the forest." With that Catra starts walking away from her hidden skiff, the little child stumbling after her.

Catra jumps in surprise when a little chubby hand slides into hers, the little girl holding her hand. She just blinks down at her and then at their joined hands.

"Uhm... I mean, I guess... You can hold my hand or... Whatever." She huffs.

They walk side by side, Catra's eyes constantly looking for some incoming threat, she wouldn't be able to fight with the little human near. Maybe run away yes, but if they close in on them then there wouldn't be much she can do. She glances down at the little one, who seems to be happily skipping next to her.

"What's your name?"

"Alana." The girl answers giggling looking up at Catra.

Catra just hums, continuing to look at the distance.

“It’s rude not to tell your name if you ask someone else’s.” Alana looks up at her with furrowed brows.

“It’s rude getting into my skiff and disturbing my sleep, little rascal.”

“Then I’ll just call you Kitty!”

At the nickname, Catra’s mind flooded with Scorpia’s voice, the first they have met the scorpion called her Kitty and stuck to that name until she found the ridiculous Wildcat name for her. Catra takes a deep breath, willing her mind away from these memories, guilt and shame raining down on her.

“Rose. My name is Rose.” She feels a little bad for lying to the mini human but doesn’t feel safe enough to tell her real name. “Don’t call me Kitty.”

Alana stops before their hand could separate Catra stops too. Alana crouches down for a flower and plucks off a poppy, she turns and gives it to Catra.

"Oh.. uhm, thank you?" She looks confused at the flower and then Alana. She seems to sense Catra's hesitance, so she pulls Catra down and slides the flower to her hair, Catra almost jumping away thinking she wanted to touch her ear.

"Pretty Rose!" She announces with a giggle and Catra feels her cheeks heating up.

Catra just blinks at the little human, her ears moving forward. Alana blinks at her with her big green eyes. “You are supposed to say thank you when someone says something nice to you.”

“Thank you.” Catra groans, feigning annoyance. 

They continue their walk, Alana holds onto Catra’s hand again.

"Do you remember where you come from?"

"O' course!" Alana says proudly, and she takes on the lead, Catra following her because at some point the little girl is pulling the catgirl with herself.

Catra isn't that familiar with the place, and if the girl tells her that the village is in that direction, she should listen to her, right? Wrong.

"Alana..."

"What?" The little girl looks up at her, Catra's ears are twitching and she looks at the deeper part of the forest.

"Are you sure we are going in the right direction?" She lifts an eyebrow, looking doubtfully at Alana. 

Alana just nods, leading Catra further into the forest.

"Look, look! Squirrel! Hello, squirrel!" Alana waves to the squirrel jumping from one branch to another."Why are you not saying hello to the squirrel?" She looks up at Catra accusingly as if she did something absolutely horrible.

Catra blinks down at the little human. "Huh?"

"Say hello to the squirrel! You will hurt their feelings." She tells Catra matter of factly.

"Squirrels don't have- ugh...okay. Hello, squirrel." Catra deadpans, but it seems to lighten up Alana's face again. The catgirl just shakes her head to herself, mini-humans are strange.

Alana says hello to every single creature they come across, birds, another squirrel, bunnies, even a passing fox who Catra hisses at, but Alana makes her apologize. That's the weirdest thing she has ever done. Of course, she has to say hello to the creatures too or Alana will look at her angry, something Catra learnt pretty quickly she doesn't like.

"Look, little human, I believe that we got lost," Catra says, eventually crossing her arms looking down at Alana. "You had no idea where we were going, right?"

"I have it! It's just...confusing." She pouts up at Catra. "The forest is confusing."

"That's the point?' She lifts an eyebrow, then she sighs. "Come, let's go back to then we will try again." She reaches for Alana's hand again, about to turn around, but Alana points behind Catra.

The older turns her head, only to be welcomed by a wolf prowling after them.

"Oh shit-"

"Grandpa says it's a bad word."

"Your grandpa wasn't followed by a wolf." Catra groans, taking a slow step back the wolf starts to growl.

Catra hisses back, shoving Alana behind herself and grabs her whip. "Stay behind."

Alana doesn't even have time to answer as the wolf charges against Catra, the girl lashing her whip, the strong thong colliding with the ground in front of the wolf. Catra strikes down again, her tail protectively wrapped around Alana's waist. The wolf only needed two or three shows of the whip before it decided that they weren't worth it and rather ran away. Catra lets out a relieved sigh.

She puts away her whip, turning around to see Alana looking up at her with big eyes. "What?"

"You are so cool." She says in awe, blinking up at the cat girl.

"Yeah, uhm.. let's go back? I don't want to meet another animal." Instead of holding hands, Catra just keeps her tail wrapped around Alana's wrist, but the little girl seemed contained with that.

"Where is your home, Rose?" Alana looks up at her, munching on some berry she has found.

Catra walks without answering, her mind not registering the name as her own. Alana held onto her cloak and tugged it.

“Oh, yes?”

“Where’s your home?” The little girl asks again.

"I don't have a home."

Alana furrows her brows in confusion, clearly not understanding what it means if someone doesn't have a home. Or a place to belong. Catra thinks it must be hard for a little human to grasp onto it yet.

"How?"

Catra just shrugs. "I simply don't have one. I just travel around."

"And you don't miss your family?"

The catgirl blinks, confused. "What's a family? Is that some kind of code for back up?"

Alana frowns, looking up at Catra as if she is joking, but the older doesn't laugh or smile."You know, papa, mama, grandma, grandpa and sisters, brothers! It's best when everyone is together and we eat loads!"

"What are those?”

“Huh?”

“What you’ve said. Papa, mama etc. Are these ranks?”

“What are the ranks?”

Catra takes a deep breath. “Just tell me what’s a papa?”

“Oh, it’s a… uh, parent? Yes, a parent!”

“Okay, and what’s a parent?”

Alana looks focused ahead of herself, as if she is trying to wild out some important information, then. “I don’t know.”

“This conversation is pointless.” Catra deadpans. 

“So do you have a family?” Alana asks again, ever so enthusiastic.

“No." 

"So are you alone?" Alana tilts her head up.

A few seconds pass, Alana not taking away her eyes from Catra who just looks into the distance.

"You can say it like that."

They wander around the forest until they finally get out of it. Catra tries to remember where she exactly saw the village. Alana is suspiciously silent, probably wondering about what Catra has said, on the other hand, the catgirl does her best not to dwell too much into it.

So what if Catra doesn’t have a home. The Fright Zone never felt like one, it was mostly just a place of pain and bad memories. And she _likes_ being alone. There’s no one who would anger her, who would try to control her, tell her what to do, or leave her. Catra is _perfectly_ fine with being alone.

She can see the outline of the village from here, it's pretty small as she noticed from the skiff mostly farmers live here, that pear orchard must belong to them too from where she stole a few earlier. She glances down at Alana, but the only thing she can see is her tear swollen eyes and distressed look.

"Alana-"

"Bad people..." She whimpers, getting out of Catra's tail and runs away.

"Alana!" Catra calls her name, looking back at the village one last time. And she sees. 

Horde soldiers.

Her heart stops, she pales down stepping back one or two, running after Alana. Luckily she catches up with her quickly, holding onto her, she buries her head to Catra's chest as the older hugs her close to herself.

"It's okay, I won't let them hurt you." She whispers patting her head, she tries to control how her whole body shakes with anger and fury.

_Why does it bother you? You did the same. You have hurt hundreds of people, destroyed their home, killed their family. You are not better than those soldiers._

When Catra looks up she sees Shadow Weaver standing before them, her presence still haunting her like a vengeful ghost. She looks at her, even though she knows it's just a hallucination, her mind playing tricks on her. Then looks down at Alana, the little girl looking back at her, and for a moment Catra sees herself as a little child. Unruly mane and big teary eyes.

Alana hiccups, wiping away her tears clumsily. "You promise?"

Catra hears Alana's and her childlike voice at the same time.

"I promise." 

She takes Alana into her arms again, the girl buries her face to her neck, while she holds Catra's tail in one of her hands. Catra’s eyes quickly study their surroundings, finding a hiding spot for the little human.

Catra brought Alana to a nearby big tree, something similar to where her skiff is.

"Stay put, only come out if you hear my voice. Okay?"

"Okay."

Catra smiles at her once more, here Alana can be easily hidden. She stands up and walks away.

Catra easily sneaks around the village, she spots a few soldiers, 6 exactly, 3 robots. She narrows her eyes, why did the Horde send troops to a village like this? Oh, then she remembers. They must be low on supplies after all she blew everything up. She looks around to see if she could see civilians, and eventually, she spots them near a storage house without walls, bound to each other and two soldiers guarding them, 8 soldiers with them all.

That will be a piece of cake Catra tells herself. She knows everything, how they fight, how they handle emergencies, she was their commander.

She goes for the robots first, they are easier to take out and it also means she doesn’t have to jump away from any laser beam. She sneaks around the houses until she spots the first bot, with grace she climbs up to a rooftop, peeking down at the robot. With a huff she jumps down, her clawed hands piercing through the surface, she grabs the adapter and yanks it out the robot collapsing to the ground without power. She throws away the adapter, leaving the robot.

The other two bots are just as easy until she is seen.

“Hey, you!”

“Oh shit.” She hisses, jumping away from the attack, holding onto his shoulder as Catra flings herself over him, kicking him into the back and the man stumbling at the wall hitting his head. She decides to blow her cover, so she jumps out from behind the house landing a kick at the soldier’s side, taking away his teaser easily teasing the other soldier who is running towards her.

Catra takes down the others too with ease, kicking, punching and clawing them she doesn’t even need the teaser. The last one falls too, out of consciousness.

“Hm?” She furrows her brows looking over the soldiers. “Wait, that’s only 7-”

A scream rips out of her throat as she falls forward electricity runs through her body, it wouldn't have been that bad but her wounded side got the direct hit. She painfully huffs, trying to force her body to get up from the ground, she looks behind herself seeing the last soldier. And out of nowhere, Catra starts chuckling slowly standing up with little electric shocks shaking her.

“You know… I got stronger hits.” She simply says, flinging her feet, kicking the soldier to the side by her head. “Are you going to stay here or I have to beat you up more? Which I’m not against.” She narrows her eyes, drawing out her claws with a hiss.

The soldier scrambles to her feet running away.

Catra doesn’t even pay any more attention to her, she hurries to the storage where the farmers are, it’s only a handful of people. She hopes the other could run away at least.

“Don’t worry, I’m going to free you.” She says calmly before she slashes the restraints down. “Is everyone okay?”

“Oh, thanks to the Moons! A princess saved us!”

Catra grimaces at one of the men, he is older than the rest of us, his eye smile reminding her of Alana. “What? I’m not a princess.” She scoffs, her hands on her hips looking absolutely pissed at the thought.

“But then…”

“I’ve found Alana and wanted to bring her back but we’ve seen the Horde soldiers so I took care of them. I’m no princess.”

“But you are so cool!.” A little boy speaks up with awe in his voice. 

“Well, uhm... Thank you? I guess… Anyways, who is responsible for Alana? I will bring here now that these soldiers are taken care of.” She looks back at the unconscious soldiers. 

The old man who thought Catra was a princess speaks. “I’m her grandfather.”

The title says exactly nothing to the girl. “Great, I will be back in a minute with her.” She turns away and runs to the tree where she has left the little girl. 

"Didn't we call the princesses?"

"They might have not gotten our distress call."

The voices reach her before she leaves the village. She feels out of her element suddenly. The princesses. They have called them which means they will be here soon, which means Adora will be here too. Maybe Scorpia too.

Do they know that Catra has defected? Do they worry about her? Or search for her? Or just straight up don’t care about what happened with her. And honestly, she can’t blame them. 

“Alana? Alana, you can come out,” The little girl runs to Catra with teary eyes, hugging her legs, crying. “Alana?"

"I was worried!" she squeaks in between little sobs.

" Oh, you were worried about me?” Catra stares at the little girl, then she smiles at, patting her head. “It’s okay, I’m okay… Your grandfather is okay too. Do you want to see him?”

Alana nods, drying her tears up, reaching for Catra's hand what the older takes with the same warm smile.

"Let's go."

She can see how excited Alana is to finally see her grandfather again, she skips again.

"You can run ahead if you want. I will be behind you."

Alana smiles up at her and runs ahead towards the village, Catra chuckles a little at her. She walks calmly knowing that the soldiers won't be a problem anymore. Although maybe roping them together wouldn’t be a bad idea, or she could stay and scare them away.

What? No, she can’t afford to stay. No.

She nears the village and sees Alana being lifted by her grandfather, the little girl giggles. Catra thinks it's a beautiful sound. She stops a little away from them, suddenly feeling awkward for a long time, she has saved them she could just go without anyone noticing. Then why is she still here?

Alana jumps out of her grandfather's hold and runs to Catra, she holds Catra's hand and pulls towards the others.

"Uhm, Alana?" Catra is confused again, this seems to be a constant thing today. She looks up at the other farmers, mainly to the grandfather.

"If you want, you can stay a little longer? I think my granddaughter took a liking on you." He chuckles looking down at the little girl who plays with Catra's up and down moving tail.

"I... I don't want to bother, really and the princesses are going to be here soon anyways." She shakes her head, Alana suddenly pulling on her tail. "Hey, what did I say about tail pulling?" Catra looks down at the girl with a frown, finding herself eye to eyes with pleading big eyes. "Oh."

"Please?"

That's ridiculous. Did she really get fond of this little human? Staying here would mean risk, both to the villagers and to herself, especially if the princesses would show up.

Eventually, she lets out a defeated sigh. "Okay. But just a little."

Alana's face brightens up in a second, hugging Catra's leg again. Catra lets herself purr a little, she hopes none of the villagers had heard her.

She looks back at the soldiers, still out of this world. "I will take care of them. Did they hurt anyone?"

"No, a few villagers have run away, but they didn't hurt anyone, just bound us. They wanted our harvest." The grandfather explains it. "I'm Mar." He introduces himself and reaches out for Alana so Catra could go and deal with the soldiers.

"Her name is Rose!" Alana introduces her instead, excitedly telling him about her new friend to her grandfather.

Catra just grabs the soldiers by their arm or leg and tugs them out of the village, depositing them a little far away. One started to gain consciousness halfway so Catra just hit his head again, the man out of the world for the next hour at least.

The moons are still not up, but it's way past noon. "I have a few hours, but then I really need to go." She makes a note for herself. "And if a princess appears, then... I will just run. Yeah, that's a good idea. I can outrun them. Except for Sparkles and her idiot teleportation." She groans pushing her bangs a little. "Well, I can always just hit her in the head I guess...."

Since she is alone she talks more to herself, at first it was all weird and strange because she isn't used to talking about her feelings or thoughts. It's kinda therapeutic. And alarming.

Alana waits for her, leaning to the wall that surrounds the village. The little girls face light up when she notices Catra and waves at her, Catra smiles a little and waves too.

"Where are the others?" She asks, stopping next to Alana.

"They went for the others and checked the storage." The girl takes her hand again and leads her to a house, the door is open and Catra swears she never smelt anything this delicious.

Food in the Horde wasn't the best and she didn't really eat anything except that dried meat from the Pit, pears and some berries here and there. One that made her really sick. Inside the low table is full of food, ones that Catra doesn't know the names of, but they smell delicious so she throws out her concern over the identification of the food.

Alana brings her to the table, Catra sits down on the floor, Mar on the other side, and the little girl sits on Catra's lap, the older doesn't push her off, rather wraps her tail around the girl's waist earning a giggle. Her ears still hidden by the hood.

"You can eat as much as you want." Mar smiles at her and Catra's eyes widen.

"Wait... This is all for me?" She points at herself, shocked for sure. "Are you trying to poison me?" Suspicion takes over her because no way someone would do anything like this, but when she sees the confused look of the old man she just says. "Never mind."

Alana reaches the table and brings her some kind of meat on a stick. "This is very yummy, try it!

Catra's pupil dilates to the point it's all just black sparkling with pure joy, the moment she bites into the meat, her ears are peaking up and she is purring loudly, something very rare from her. Is this how food is supposed to taste like? Not like some weird mix of sand and mud and that's the better from the two kinds of ration bar they got.

"This is...delicious."

Alana giggles at her reaction and ever Mar lets out a chuckle. "I'm glad you like it. And thank you for bringing Alana home, helping us with the Horde soldiers."

"Oh, your welcome," Catra says chewing on the meat. "Do you have a lot of Horde troops around here?"

Mar shakes his head. "No, but I've heard they have come for other villages too, they take their harvest and if the people resist they burn down the houses and bring them with themselves." He tells her sadly. "Alana's father, he... He was dragged away too. She lived in a neighbouring village which the Horde took over. I could only save her." Mar looks at her granddaughter whose full attention is on Catra, holding onto her tail.

Catra's eyes fell to her lap where Alana is sitting. Guilt storms in her soul. Thinking about the other children, other families who have been separated from each other during the years of war. What if she was the reason because they couldn't see each other again. She reaches out and pats Alana's head gently.

"I'm sorry." She whispers, if it's for Mar or Alana, no one knows.

"And what about you, Rose? You seemed to know how to fight with those soldiers..."

"Ah...yes, I've had a few encounters with Horde soldiers during the years, I gathered a small knowledge on how to fight with them." She tells him, her ears twitching. She is still very good at lying. The cloak also hides the symbol on her back. They don't need to know. 

"It must be hard. I assume you are not from any neighbouring village, I didn't see you or a family that would look like you." Mar mentions.

"Rose doesn't have a family grandpa." Alana turns to her grandfather with a scolding look. As if he would have known it.

Mar pales down at his granddaughter's words. "Oh...oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know. I shouldn't have assumed." He apologises quickly, Catra blinking at him confused. Having a family must be a big deal.

"It's uhm... It's okay? I.. I don't have a family, but I had a really good friend." A small, nostalgic smile appears on her lips as she thinks back at Adora, their childhood at the Horde when it was just them, no training, no Shadow Weaver, no She-ra or Rebellion.

Just them.

"Had?"

"I've lost her, 2 years ago." her voice changed from warm to almost clinical. "War is a cruel thing..."

"I'm sorry." Mar sighs. "You must miss her..."

"Yeah, I... I miss her terribly." She sighs, noticing Alana’s big green eyes looking at her with worry.

"Rose?" She tilts her head, her brows knitted together. "Are you sad?"

Catra just smiles at her. "I'm okay." Catra glances out of the window, seeing moons slowly appearing with the stars. "I should go, thank you for your hospitality, but I need to continue my travel." She smiles once more at Alana, slowly rising to her feet.

"Can I ask you where are you heading?"

Catra thinks about it a little, then just shakes her head. "It wouldn't be safe for you to know where I'm going."

The implication is clear, Catra is running away from something or someone that's after her. It's still a question if it's Hordak or her memories, or if it's something deep inside her heart that she is afraid to face.

Mar stands up too. "Very well, let me give you this at least." He goes around and brings out a bag, Catra sniffs into the air. There's food inside. "Please accept it."

Catra blinks at the man, shocked. "I can't! You need food too, I can just eat whatever I find in the forest." Catra shakes her head.

"Oh no, forests are filled with poisonous berries and fauna, you better just take it before you kill yourself." Mar puts the bag in Catra's hand, not accepting the return.

She sighs, taking the bag and swinging it to her back, she can't deny the warmness in her heart. "Thank you."

"It's me who is grateful to you."

Catra looks down at little Alana, she crouches down to her and pats the little girl’s head. "I need to go now." She tells her, and honestly, she didn't expect Alana to start to cry.

Alana sniffs, wiping her nose with her clothing. "You must?"

"I have too, I'm sorry." and out of nowhere, she bobs Alana's nose. "But... If you want I can come and visit you, once in a while?"

"Like my birthday?"

Catra almost blurts out she has no idea what is a birthday, instead, she nods with a warm smile. "Of course, when?"

Alana looks at her grandfather for a little help. The old man chuckles fondly. "It's on the third day of the first winter month."

"Then I will come."

"Promise?"

The elder offers her a smile. "Promise."

She stands up, Alana holding her hand as they walk out of the house. But then, her legs root onto the ground when she hears a familiar voice.

"What... but, what...what happened here?"

It’s Scorpia’s voice.

"We got the distress signal, but...there's no Horde soldier. Everything looks calm and okay."

The flower princess.

"Oh, a girl just appeared and saved us all. We thought she was a princess but she looked rather offended at that"

"A girl?"

Scorpia again.

Catra's ear twitches anxiously her tail widgets around, wrapping itself around her thigh. She takes a step back, then two, letting go of Alana's hand. Mar looks at her puzzled.

"Yes, she is at Mar’s house."

Alana turns around seeing Catra standing just there. "Rose?"

Catra glances down at Alana, then back to Mar. “Look. I need to go. _Now_. Thank you for everything!”

She turns around and bolts away from the village. She just runs with all she can, her heart beats so fast it might just break out of its cage of bones. Catra almost stumbles, the poppy falling from her hair, but she can't stop. The moment she sees the osier, she moves her legs faster than ever

She jumps into her skiff turning it on hastily, she pants and all of her being is shaking, the panic and adrenaline fuel her body enough to actually drive out of the skiff from the tendrils, almost hitting Bow with it.

"ROSE!"

Catra glances back, hearing Alana’s voice, seeing the little girl run after her from the distance. She is crying, Alana is crying. 

Because of her. 

She made Alana cry.

Catra just pulls the lever more, increasing the speed of her tears falling behind her catching onto the wind.

"I'm sorry."

Catra doesn't know how long she is driving away from the village, she just knows that it's far far away from there by now. She still can't stop. 

She didn’t see the princesses, but their voice was completely enough to set off her panic and make her run away from the slight chance of them even seeing her.

The moons are almost completely up, she should try to find a shelter for tonight. The valley may have not been the wisest choice to come through, it's known of its rockslides, but the other way would be through a highly weaponized Horde camp.

"I should be close to the Crimson Waste... Maybe I should stop for tonight..." She mumbles, the Crimson Waste is dangerous she should be in her best state. "I should eat something too." she looks back at the bag that Mar gave here.

Catra thinks about Adora and the princesses again. She made the right choice of slipping away, she tells herself. They would probably just attack Catra, and she really isn’t about fighting with them right now. Or even worse, they could have taken her to Bright Moon. Which could have meant meeting with Adora eventually. Because meeting with Adora, speaking with her would mean ripping up old wounds and Catra isn't ready for that. Doesn't think she will _ever_ be ready.

She scoffs. "It doesn't matter. Adora hates me." She plops down and takes out some meat from a container and chews on it. "She hates me for what I've done. It would be useless."

Catra is so fixated on the fact that Adora hates her, that everyone hates her, it would be so hard to make her understand some people still love her.

She finishes the meat, putting the bag away. She lays down on the floor of the skiff, curling around herself, trying to sleep, trying to silence her troubled mind. 

It takes time and effort until her body finally takes a rest, exhaustion taking over her.  
  


* * *

The moons are already up in the night sky as Adora hurries through the Whispering Woods, legs moving on their own while the girl is deep in her thoughts. The sword strapped to her back, afraid to even touch it since she has come back from Beast Island. Every time she touches or even looks at the swords she recalls the images of Mara holding them, screaming in pain as the sword tries to take over her, control her. How it was designed to control them, to make them part of the machine.

The key.

_Once the planet is balanced, no one can stop it. Not even the First Ones could control it. That's why they left. When the weapon is activated it will channel all its power into you. You don't get to refuse._

_You don't get to refuse._

Entrapta's voice echoes in her mind.

It makes her sick in the stomach, what did the First Ones do exactly to the planet and why? Why did they need a weapon? Why did they choose Etheria? So many questions and no answers.

The others don't understand, not like Adora. She has been lied to through her whole life in the Horde, which made her believe she was fighting for the good cause, that the princesses are the evil ones and they are the ones destroying everything. She was nothing but a part of the machine to them too, and now, everything just repeats itself.

No, this time, Adora won't let it happen.

But, instead of the Crystal Castle like she expected to, she finds herself in front of Madame Razz's hut.

"What..." Adora furrows her brows, about to turn around. The trees stand so close to each other, she could barely even see past them, let alone squeeze herself through them.

"Ahhh, Mara dearie!"

Adora turns around, finding the old lady at the door of the hut, with a kind smile. Despite being late at night, she seems wide awake.

"Would you like to join for some tea?"

Before Adora could answer or correct her, Razz disappears behind the drape at the entrance of her home. Adora looks back to the trees one more time, then follows Razz into the hut. It is lit up by some candles around the hut, water boiling over the fireplace while Razz searches for two mugs.

"I really don't want to bother you Madam Razz, it's quite late." She stands in the door, a little awkwardly.

"Yes-yes, the moons are very beautiful tonight, don't you think Mara dearie? Aha! I knew it was here!" Razz throws away an old basket, holding up two cups, setting it down to the table. "What are you doing in the door still? Come on in!"

So Adora does. She sits down to the chair by the stone table, watching as Razz now searches for some dried flowers and berries for the tea. She stopped correcting the old women about her being Adora and not Mara. Eventually, Razz finds it and prepares the tea for both of them.

"It will help you clear your head and calm down, dearie," Razz tells her with a kind smile, drinking from her own mug.

"I... I'm not upset..." Adora tries to lie, drinking from the tea too. Raspberry and chamomile. It's strangely delicious. "It's just... I don't-... She-ra." She breathes. "Why does She-ra exist, Madame Razz? Isn't she supposed to protect the people of Etheria?" She questions, to or from herself or Madam Razz, is unclear. "Then why... Why did the First Ones try to use Mara as a key to their weapon?"

"My Mara dearie... She was brave and kind. She wanted the best for people." Razz speaks with a gentle voice, looking down into her tea, the dried chamomile and raspberry floating on top. "She understood her _true_ duty and destiny as She-ra. Even if it eventually cost her life. She died doing what she was supposed to, protect Etheria from the ones who came before." She sighs, closing her eyes.

Adora just looks at the old woman, with eyes wide and unable to say anything else. Probably this is the first time she ever heard Madame Razz talk about Mara's death, and not just mentioning it. She sees the sadness in her weak smile and feels it in her voice.

"She-ra is a protector. But it is up to you Adora, what _you_ choose to protect." Madame Razz opens her eyes, looking at Adora. "You are just like my Mara was, dearie. Brave and kind, and so full of love." She smiles at Adora, reassuring and gentle.

"I... I'm not like Mara, Madame Razz." She looks down at her hands in her lap. "I don't know what I'm doing, I couldn't protect the people who are important to me, I couldn't help them... Mara was brave, but I'm not."

"Are you, dearie?"

Adora just nods without a word, her inner turmoil about being She-ra and being Adora coming back to her. She-ra is supposed to be the hero, the one who will help the Rebellion and eventually lead them to victory. Everyone expects her to know everything, to win every battle, to be the glorious hero of Etheria, to get rid of the Horde. But it's just getting worse. The Horde is gaining more and more territory, now threateningly close to attacking Plumeria too, while Adora is unable to stop them.

She doesn't know how to stop the Horde, doesn't know how to be She-ra _and_ Adora.

"Maybe I wasn't cut for being She-ra after all."

Madame Razz shakes her head, then drinks the tea again. "She-ra is not another person, dearie. She-ra is you."

Adora looks up, confused a little. But Madame Razz doesn't explain it further. "She-ra is... Me?"

"Do you feel her in your heart?"

The girl furrows her brows, losing the thread of Razz's thought, which is not surprising. It wouldn't happen for the first time. Does she feel She-ra in her heart? Debatable. She always thought about She-ra as the sword, that's how she can become She-ra. The sword chose her to be She-ra.

"I don't understand Madame Razz."

"What you don't understand Mara dearie?" Razz narrows her eyes, her big eyes boring into Adora's, then, she goes back sipping from her mug.

Adora sighs, drinking from her own tea.

She might not understand it fully, she might not feel She-ra in her heart or know what to do as She-ra, or as Adora at all. But she knows one thing.

She won't let anyone use the Heart of Etheria. Mara's wish was to protect the planet, protect the people on it who she loved so dearly she sacrificed herself for them, to keep them safe. She will keep up that legacy, she will have to. For Mara. For Etheria.

"Thank you, Madame Razz. This helped me a lot." She finishes the tea with a big smile, feeling lost and on track at the same time. "I will leave now."

"Visit me more, dearie! We can bake a pie!"

"I will come, I promise."

Adora leaves the hut, finding the path away from the hut that previously wasn't there. She chuckles to herself, the woods wanted her to come here. Now, she knows where to go. She steps away from the hut, following the path she knows well already. It leads her to the Crystal Castle.

Adora stops at the Crystal Castle. "Eternia." And the door opens, she hurries inside the dark place lighting up the moment she sets foot into the big centre room. "Light Hope?"

She looks around, waiting for noise or anything. Nothing happens.

She huffs. "I know about the Heart of Etheria. I know you've lied to me, about Mara, about She-ra, the First Ones." The calmness in her voice surprises even herself.

"I did not lie to you, Adora."Light Hope appears in front of Adora, the girl taking a few steps back. "Mara was compromised, turned against her people and nearly destroyed Etheria along with it."

"No." She shakes her head. "Mara died, trying to _protect_ Etheria from what the First Ones did to the planet." She narrows her eyes on the hologram. "You... The Heart of Etheria, it's a weapon, it could destroy the whole planet! And you... You lied to me, everything about balancing out the planet, about the runestones, digging more into She-ra's power... It was just for you to execute this plan... To activate it." Adora finishes it, cold anger running through her veins.

Light Hope just looks down at her, without saying a word for a long time. The silence between them louder than hundreds of earthquakes.

"The Heart of Etheria project could have been a success of turning Etheria into a weapon no one has ever seen before, but Mara, instead of fulfilling her destiny, turned against it. She used She-ra's power to fight against the people who called her a hero. Who _made_ her be a hero."

At the last words, the room which has been lit up by a blue and purple light turns into red and orange. Adora reaches for the sword in an alert but quickly retracting her hands as she remembers why this sword exists. Not to help her, but to control her. To control She-ra.

"Mara was nothing but a failed She-ra in the system, but you Adora, you could bring glory to the First Ones, to those who you belong to." Light Hope says, her voice echoing back from the crystal walls. "Etheria is not your true home."

"No! _This_ is my home. _Etheria_ is my home, you can't manipulate me into helping you. Not anymore." She bites back.

"You could make your parents proud."

This takes Adora by surprise. She looks up at the hologram with wide eyes, at the mention of her family. She shakes her head. "You've lied enough, this is low even from you."

"But your parents gave you to me, Adora. So proud of their daughter chosen to be the next She-ra, to fulfil a thousands year plan of your ancestors."

"You... You said Hordak... You said Hordak brought me to Etheria. That he stole me from my family, from my home!" Adora balls her hands into a fist, her body shaking. "What did you lie about too? How many lies have you told me, Light Hope?!"

Light Hope looks down at her, slightly confused maybe. "Would you feel better knowing your parents gave you up for a greater cause? They have seen the potential in you, Adora, now you could bring glory to their empire."

"That's bullshit, greater cause? A whole planet would have been destroyed, and for what?!"

"I see you don't quite understand it. The power of She-ra is for serving the First Ones, the hero you are today is because the First Ones wanted you to become one. You exist because of them, She-ra exist because of them, you cannot say no, Adora. Your destiny was set the moment you were brought here, the moment you touched the sword and left the Horde. You _cannot_ walk out of it. You _don't_ have a choice."

_You don't get to refuse._

" _NO_!" Her voice bounces back from the crystals, eyes sparkling with blue light. "I have a choice! I'm not a part of their game, I'm not going to let you or anyone activate the Heart of Etheria, it will stay sealed for eternity. I will make sure no one will ever use its power." She reaches for the sword. "Now, I understand Mara, her wish."

"What are you doing, Adora?"

The sword in her hand glows up with power, her eyes sparkling with blue magic. "Mara wanted to be the last She-ra, so the First Ones wouldn't be able to use the planet as a weapon. She failed, as I was brought to Etheria. Mara couldn't be the last She-ra."

"ADORA!"

" **_So I will be_ ** **.** "

Golden glow envelops her body but doesn't transform her into She-ra. Adora slashes through the air, power cutting though Light Hope, who disappears. The power has damaged the wall, and Adora doesn't stop here. She destroys the Crystal Castle from within, even if Light Hope sends spiders to stop her, Adora destroys them all, until the light dims and everything is covered in darkness again.

Adora stands in the middle, the stone in the hilt of the sword glows brightly, along with her eyes. She pants badly, every part of her body shaking with anger.

"I won't let anyone activate the Heart! Etheria will be safe from you and the First Ones!"

Unsurprisingly there's no answer. She can still feel Light Hope around, she didn't destroy her, but Adora didn't really expect to do so. She lowers her sword, waiting in the silence of the darkness. There are no spiders, no trace of Light Hope. She sighs, stepping away walking out of the castle, the door opening and closing behind herself.

Adora looks up at the sky, watching the moons of the night sky beaming in light, purple, blue and green.

"I promise, Mara."

* * *

Catra opens her eyes, blinking slowly.

She looks around, her breath hitches sitting up quickly as takes in her surroundings. She is in a cell, her arm bound to the wall behind herself. She is not in the Fright Zone cell, this one's different, it reeks of magic and sparkles.

"Hello, Horde scum."

Catra turns to look at the door, Glimmer standing at the door. Her eyes are filled with grief.

“W-what.”

"This is all your fault... you have killed them... It's your fault..."

The catgirl looks at the princess with widened confused eyes. "I... I didn't-"

"Entrapta... my mother... Adora."

The names are a knife to her heart, she scoots back against the wall, trying to hide away from Glimmer, her words.

"No... no, I didn't, I didn't..."

"Why did you do it, Catra?" It's Entrapta kneeling in front of the catgirl. The princess's eyes are watery, sad. "Why did you sent me to Beast Island?" She grasps Catra's shoulder with a deadly grip. "Why Catra, why? Why did you do it? _Why_?"

Entrapta's voice echoes in the silence of the cell, pining Catra down to the wall with her eyes. Catra shakes, squeezing her eyes and turning her head away. She shakes her head.

"Catra... Catra, why... I thought we were friends, we... You hurt me, killed me." Adora's voice comes closer, Catra cracks her eyes open finding Adora's blue eyes boring into her own mismatched eyes. Splattered blood sticking to her skin. "Why did you kill me...Catra why? Why? Why?"

And suddenly Adora disappears and instead, it's Queen Angella towering over her. Around her hands, energy blasts circulating.

"You don't deserve peace for your actions."

She wakes up with a scream, sitting up on the floor of the skiff. Her eyes frantically moving, her whole body shaking with fear. Catra gasps for air, almost feeling like she is suffocating, a sob rips out of her chest, crying once again.

"Stop! Please just stop!" She shouts at no one in particular. "Please stop, leave me alone...Leave me alone." She begs, burying her face into her shaking hands, her ear is flattened down to her hair, bangs falling forward.

"Stop, stop... It hurts, please no more, please, please." Catra cries curling onto herself, trying to comfort herself with no success. Her mane falls along, ticking her off, her skin prickling from the touch of her own hair.

With a growl, Catra unsheathes her claws and without thinking, she slashes through her own locks, until they don’t touch her skin anymore. Tendrils of hair fall to the floor, Catra breathes heavily looking at them with tearful eyes. Her hair reached around her chin.

Her nightmares didn't leave, of course, they didn't. She still dreams about the portal, Entrapta, Shadow Weaver, Adora, Scorpia. Even Glimmer, as she attacks her screaming about her lost mother because that's Catra's fault too. If she wouldn't pull the lever, none of this would have happened. There wouldn't be a deadly Horde armada nearing Etheria either.

It takes her time to calm down, to feel safe again, although Catra never really felt fully safe in her own skin. She takes a few deep breaths, pushing her hair down out of habit, hands stopping at her shoulders. She blankly stares at her own feet, moving them side to side a little. Her mind is blank again just after every bad dream, break down or panic attack. She doesn't know how to control them, they don't stop but come back with a more powerful blow.

It was rare for her dreams to be pleasant and her nights to be calm.

Catra looks up at the sky, the twelve moons of Etheria are looking back at her, with their colourful surface. Catra never paid much attention to the sky, but being alone she appreciates and hates a lot of things at the same time. Like how serene a night could be. 

She thought the constant buzzing of the machines, the strong smell of oil and fuel would be something she will never miss once she leaves the Horde. They have been something that followed her through her life, whenever she woke up or fell asleep. Whenever she was punished she listened to the rhythmic sounds of the machines, keeping her grounded. She knew one day she would rule that place, she would destroy everyone who ever made her feel weak.

And she did.

Yet she has never felt so empty and lonely, hurt. She knew it would be a long journey before she could feel whole again, or at least a bit happy.

Climbing up to the top was hard, almost torture. She has given up a lot, either voluntarily or by her own choice, pushed away people who loved her. And for what? She fell so easily, even if the fall was her own choice.

"I don't regret it." She whispers to herself, she has become a lot better at saying her feelings out loud. Even if just for herself. "I don't regret leaving, I just..." She reaches up to the sky, her mind drifting to the memory of Adora.

In another world Adora and her would lay on a field, no Horde, no Rebellion, no war, no She-ra just the two of them looking up at the night sky, getting lost in the infinite light. She would hold Adora's hand close to her, afraid that she would leave, but Adora wouldn't go, not without Catra. She wouldn't be afraid to feel, to be happy, to trust, to have Adora. She would be brave.

Brave to love.

But in this world, everything is much more complicated. She is an ex-Horde soldier, a haunted defect, a war criminal. She has hurt many people, including Adora too.

She lazily blinks up at the sky, eyelids becoming heavier with each second. She wants to fight against it, wants to stay in this peacefulness a little longer. But eventually, she gives in and her head lulls to the side, drifting into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Have a great morning/day/night ♥


End file.
